“Alluring?” she asks hesitantly.
I shrug shyly. “I was going to saysexy, but I don’t want you to think I’m only drawn to you physically. I told you before, you’re easy to like.”
“It’s just too bad I’m not the kind of girl you’re looking for,” she says dryly.
“What?”
She licks her lips and shifts her gaze to the floor. “Look, you don’t owe me an explanation. In fact, I’d rather not do this with you at all.”
“Do what, Claire? Talk about our feelings? Admit how much we like one another?” I reply a little too forcefully.
“Exactly.”
“And what’s so terrible about being honest and saying how you feel?” I demand.
“Besides spending the last decade without most of my feelings being reciprocated or even accepted? Being told I’m crazy or weird or stupid for having feelings in the first place, or worse for not being able to get a handle on them?” Her chest heaves when she’s done, and I watch as a look of mortification crosses her features.
“Hey,” I begin softly and take another step toward her. “Come here.”
“No.” Her voice cracks, and she turns away from me. “Dammit, Rowan. I told you I wasn’t in the mood for this.”
But I ignore her protests and reach out to rest my hand on her back. “I’m sorry I keep pushing you too far. But I swear it’s only because I want to know everything about you. I think you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met, and your feelings matter to me. And if I seem like I’m upset with myself for flirting with you, it’s only because I’m struggling to regulatemy attraction.”
“And if I’m so great, then why is being attracted to me such a bad thing?” she asks meekly.
“Because you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to be pressured into anything serious, and I have to respect that,” I tell her, ignoring my conscience when it prompts me to say more, to explain exactly why I need her to be open to the idea of marriage before I can risk getting any closer.
“Oh.” Her expression falls, as if she’s disappointed by my answer.
“Is that still what you want … or don’t want?”
She keeps her eyes lowered as she nods. “Yes.”
I swallow hard before I continue. “Well, if you ever change your mind, I’d like to be the first to know.”
“Why exactly is a relationship status such a big deal to you, anyway? I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious the night we met, and it didn’t seem to be a problem for you then.”
Guilt and embarrassment flood my chest. “You’re right, and I’m sorry I downplayed it before, but I just can’t handle anything physical outside of a committed relationship,” I say quietly, understating it again.
“That’s why you hate that you’re so drawn to me, isn’t it? Because I make you want to reconsider how far you’re willing to go?” she asks, daring me to answer with her eyes.
“Gah, Claire, what do you want me to say?” I fire back. “Yes, okay, I’m confused. I’ve already admitted that the way I feel around you makes me forget what kind of man I’m supposed to be.”
“And what kind of man is that?”
I throw my hands up in defeat. “I don’t know. A good one? If nothing else, one who doesn’t use women and discard them once he’s taken what he wants.”
“I suppose that makes me someone else’s trash,” she replies with a sardonic smirk.
A frustrated growl escapes. “That’s not what I meant. Could you please quit putting words in my mouth?”
“Funny, you didn’t seem to mind?—”
“Would you just stop?!” I yell this time, and she takes a step backand blinks at me in disbelief. “I’m sorry. But if there’s anything I hate, it’s the way you assume I only want you for …that.”
Her chin quivers and she crosses her arms. “I guess you’re out of luck, then. Because I don’t have much else to offer.”
“Tell me you don’t really believe that?” I demand in a softer tone.
