I’d already been half-expecting to cry myself to sleep tonight, back when I was worried about Rowan meeting his actual soulmate, so I’mnot surprised by the warm tears streaming down my face as I turn to shut the door behind me. I’d also predicted our connection would end up holding him back and keeping him from finding something real with anyone else, even before it happened. But the one thing I hadn’t anticipated was the bruised heart I’d be nursing after hearing him confirm there was only ever lust and physical attraction between us after all.
A sob bubbles up from my chest, and I cover my mouth to quiet it. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just admit how badly I want him?
Because I can’t have him, that’s why.
I growl in frustration and swipe at my cheeks, because I only have myself to blame. I can’t keep playing this game with him, encouraging him one minute and pushing him away the next, then pulling him in deeper and deeper until he’s become an irreplaceable fixture in my life. It’s not fair to either of us, not when I know there’s no future for us together.
A knock at the door startles me. “Claire?” Rowan calls out.
“Yeah?” I reply, trying to hide my sniffling.
“Are you sure everything’s okay?” he asks.
I clear my throat. “I’m fine, really. Just tired.”
The sound of shuffling and a soft thud emanate from the other side of the door. I turn and slide down to the floor, letting my head fall back with a thump of my own.
“I can tell when you’re lying to me, you know,” he says after a while.
My heart melts a little, and I can’t help but smile. “Okay. I’m not fine.”
“Wanna tell me why you’re so upset?”
“Not really.”
“Is it because I crossed a line when I asked you to participate in my demonstration?” he asks carefully.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” He’s quiet for a second before adding, “I was looking for a loophole, and it wasselfish of me.”
I scoff. “I’m just as much to blame for what happened tonight as you are. But yeah, I guess it could have messed with my head a little.”
There I go again, being entirely too honest and vulnerable with him only seconds after resolving to reinforce my walls.
“Is it because of everything that happened the night we met? Because if so, you should know that I have no intention of leaving again. Not unless you ask me to, anyway.”
“No. That’s not it.” But he’s definitely getting warmer.
“Does it have anything to do with the part when I mentioned the L-word?”
I sigh. “Maybe. I guess it’s just been so long since I had to navigate dating and friendships, and I hate not knowing what I’m doing.”
“Are we still in the second category?” he ventures.
“Friends?”
“Yeah.”
I shrug even though he can’t see me. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
“Because I’m lame and desperate, and I can’t just kiss my best friend like that without hoping it means something more,” he admits quietly, and I smile again.
I barely resist reassuring him that those feelings aren’t one-sided, but only because it’s for his own good. “Well, since nothing else has changed, it’s probably best if we don’t read too much into it and just forget it ever happened. Don’t you think?”
“What if I respectfully disagree?”
My stomach flutters. “What do you mean?”
