He holds the book up in front of me when he returns. “Daisy, do you want to keep teaching?”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. “But I?—”
He interrupts me by taking the book in both hands and splitting it down the spine with barely a strain. Then he turns and dumps it into the trash can behind him.
“Landry, what are you doing?” I cry, my eyes wide.
“I’m not letting you force yourself into a career that isn’t making you happy,” he says plainly.
I cringe. “No, I mean, that wasn’t my study guide! I borrowed it from Claire.”
“Oh.” He lets out a loud exhale. “I’ll buy her another one. But only if you promise not to take that test … or that job.”
“I can’t promise you either of those,” I say, laughing incredulously.
“Yes, you can.” He steps forward and takes my hand again. “Let me handle the financial stuff until you figure out what you really want to do.”
I swallow hard. “I can’t ask you to do that. Not when we’re just …”
He frowns. “I know you can take care of yourself, and I’m not trying to rob you of your independence. But we’re still married, at least for now, and I took a vow to support you. Let me help you, please.”
I let go of his hand and take a step back. My chin trembles, and it takes me a couple of tries before I can speak again without my voice cracking. “Do you really want to help me? Or are you doing this to make yourself feel better about divorcing me in a month or two?”
“Daisy,” he begins. “I may not have all that long-term stuff figured out yet, but I meant it when I said I was reconsidering my stance on commitment for you.” Then he pauses and shakes his head. “No, that didn’t come out right. Being with you makes me want to rethink commitment for my own sake. And I think we should hold off on a divorce until we make absolutely certain it’s the right decision.”
I blink at him as his words settle. “So you basically want a Josephite marriage until you come around to deciding what’s best for both of us?”
“A what?”
I barely suppress an eye roll. “You want to skip ahead to the part where we act like a married couple in every way except we’ll have to remain celibate while you figure out whether you can handle commitment?”
He cringes. “Well, when you put it that way …”
“Look, I know what you’re trying to do. You want to keep me on your insurance as long as you can, but …” I trail off when I see his expression fall.
“It’s not about that,” he says sadly, shaking his head. “Well, it’s not just about that. And it doesn’t have anything to do with the extent of my feelings for you, if I’m being honest. I just need more time to consider what a lifetime with me might do to you. I can’t bear the thought of killing your spirit, Daisy, and it sounds like that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
I sigh and step forward to take his hand in mine again. “You’re right, I’m not being very optimistic right now. But the truth is that I’m scared, too, because I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want this with you. And even though I wholeheartedly trust you to take care of me, regardless of what happens between us, allowing myself to depend on you for everything is only going to make it that much harder if things don’t work out in the end. I’m not trying to force you to make any kind of declarations before you’re ready, but I can’t keep letting you save me if you can’t promise me forever.”
He squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry. I get it, though. I think I may finally be trending in the right direction but trying to force things out of order. And if it seems like I’m giving you all kinds of mixed signals, it’s only because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
I laugh softly. “Maybe.”
“How about we table the job discussion for now?”
“No, I think I’ve made my decision … somewhat,” I say, lifting my chin. “I’m going tell them I’d like to continue working as a substitute teacher for now, at least until they find a permanent replacement for Mrs. Joanie. That is, if you’re okay with leaving me on your policy until I figure things out.”
He looks relieved. “Of course.”
“I realized it wouldn’t be fair for me to take the position, anyway, since I’ll probably need some time to get everything settled with my service dog. And I think I should make that my priority for now, even if it means being patient and accepting help, because having an SRD could open up more possibilities for me in the future.”
“Look at you, adulting like a pro.” He grins and wraps me up in a hug.
“I know, right?” I say with a laugh.
“I’m so proud of you,” he says, kissing the top of my head.
“Thank you,” I mumble, my eyes watering. “I’m proud of myself, too.”
