But there at the back of my mind was the little voice. ‘You won’t be taken seriously.’ So I did something I never would have done six months ago: I ignored the voice and texted my best friend.
Nicola:
Ran into Nathaniel.
Lucia:
Ew why is he here?
Nicola:
Who knows.
Lucia:
You okay?
I sighed, staring at my phone. A question I would usually brush off, ignore and throw my mask back on with a simple, ‘Yeah I’m good’. I was trying to learn the whole ‘having a close friend’thing, but doing the healthy version of reactions wasfucking hard. So I typed out my response, closed my eyes and hit send.
Nicola:
I don’t know…no?
Sitting down on a wooden bench with a red Moretti Racing sign behind me, I heard a door open and close, then a presence next to me and a soft voice.
“Hey.”
“I’m really not good at this whole feelings thing,” I said looking at my hands.
“You had them all along, you’re just actually letting yourself feel.” Lucia nudged my shoulder. “What happened with Nathaniel?”
“He was just being a dick, but then he said Matteo was using me and some other things, and I just wanted to throw up immediately.”
“Seriously fuck that guy,” Lucia grumbled. I looked at her in shock, sweet little Lucia out here cursing out people she didn’t even know personally. I felt proud.
“You didn’t want anyone to find out about you and Matteo?” she asked gently.
“It was just vacation, but now…” I trailed off, “I know he’s your brother so you’re team Matteo but I need you to be team me right now.”
“Of course.” She squeezed my hand. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“We were just messing around, you know,for fun. But it turns out I like hearing him talk. His voice, how he tells stories. He could recite a recipe to me and I would probably enjoy it.”
Lucia giggled.
“It’s just—I don’t do the feelings thing. I swore that off after my years-long relationship ended when I found out he was cheating on me for most of it. But then I backslid again and again and sleeping with the asshole was just…convenient maybe. That sounds so awful, but it chipped away at me, how he spoke to me, talked down to me. So I swore off dating, cause who needs it anyway—” I paused. “Sorry, is this weird?”
“I’m pretending this isn’t about my brother, go on.”
“Well your brother is annoying, sorry.” I cringed and she smiled. “But he was always showing up, flirting with me and being a goddamn menace to society, and then he kept being there during all these moments. Being helpful and sweet; it was annoying. And then it just kinda worked, and then I couldn’t get him out of my head because well—things I’m not saying to you—butdamn.”
“Ew.”
“And then vacation we said was just vacation, it didn’t count, basically a free pass, but now we’re here back in the real world and I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Lucia patted my hand, holding herself back from full on hugging me because she knew me and knew I didn’t like physical touch. “I will repeat what I told my brother yesterday, and what I’ve said before in general.” She paused for effect, making me send her a half-hearted glare.
“You deserve to be loved as you are. You deserve to be happy as you are. And if someone out in this universe meets you where you’re at and loves you as you are, then hold on to that with everything you have.”
