“I’ve got people.” She smirked, then her expression softened as she looked to Gianna, who was already playing with the toys. “Races can be long, so if you want me to hang with Gia in here for any time at all, I am happy to!”
“Oh my god, no, that’s too much!” I insisted.
“It’s actually doing me a favor, I would love to chill with G and Monty in a quiet room from time to time. Plus, I have, like, every princess movie at my disposal.”
“You’re about to be her favorite person ever.” A sigh made it out before I could continue. This was so nice, so thoughtful. It was honestly a little jarring to have someone find a quiet space. Life at home was very different from here and on the road. I was used to the silence on the vineyards, long walks through the hills with Gia, playing in the lake or the grassy meadows, or sitting on the porch with a cup of tea. But I wanted this, wanted the change of pace and the new, exciting adventure. I knew that. Nicola, thinking I might still want a quiet place among the fast-paced chaos of the circuit, cut my heart right open…in the best way.
“This is…” I paused, turning to my new friend. “Thank you.” I hoped the sincerity was there because that was about all the words I could muster at the moment.
“It’s half for me too. Dealing with a male-dominated industry all day makes me want to scream. We need more women in motorsports.” Nicola shrugged and walked over to Gia, leaving me to my thoughts. I walked to the tinted windows, thankful for the privacy, and looked out to the main walk that had grown twice as busy in the time we had been in the lounge area. A knock rang through the room, then a familiar brunette poked her head into the room. Anna.
“The boys are back in the pit if you want to say hi before everything begins!” she announced. Gia jumped up immediately, abandoning her new toys.
“Zio!” she cheered her answer. We waved goodbye to Nicola, who needed to go back to work, and followed Anna to the Moretti pit. Gia walked next to me, hand in hand, her excitement was evident by her big smile as she took in all the big posters and bright red colors. Crew were hustling around us, the buzz of the pit was unlike anything I had experienced. Turns out, yesterdayhadbeen the quiet day.
“So this is the pit, where all the exciting things happen. The car is getting ready here.” She pointed, and Gianna’s eyes got even bigger seeing the car up close. Her bedroom was lined with little model Formula One cars, both Belen Racing and Moretti ones.
“Mama, it’s so shiny.” She beamed, her little hands were clenched at her sides. I had talked to her about how important it was to not touch anything while in the pit. Gianna had nodded seriously and answered with a stern,Otay.
“Does it look like the one in your room?” I asked her. She shook her head and walked around the back end of the car, pointing her little hand, red sparkly nails shining.
“That’s different,” she said. I looked at it, noticing the new design on the back wing, and nodded. Gia had an attention to detail that constantly shocked me.
“Principessa!” a familiar voice boomed through the pit. My brother walked across the space, clad in his bright red racing suit.
“Zio!” she squealed as he picked her up and spun her around. “You are so red!” she noted after they spun around and he held her on his hip. Her little hands poked at his uniform.
“Matches your nails perfectly.” He smiled, poking at her fingers. She giggled. Matteo turned to me. “No pink and blue today?”
“She makes the rules, and it was black and red today.” I pointed at my outfit, a little Moretti Racing embroidered patch on Gia’s and my denim jackets.
“They’re perfect,” he whispered to Gia, who kept giggling. I looked around the paddock, at the screens in the back, where people wore large headsets and looked at screens, analyzing whatever was on them.
“Oh, that reminds me, I got you both your own personalized noise-canceling headphones to wear during races, they’ll be out for you at every race. The small ones with sparkles are G’s. Obviously. ”
“Thank you, that is so thoughtful of you,” I answered.
“Thank you, Zio,” Gianna mimicked. Matteo smiled proudly and began introducing Gianna to everyone. I tried not to get emotional at the sight. “This is my niece, Gianna!” he repeated as they walked around the whole room. He pointed at screens and described what people’s jobs were. The whole crew seemed to light up as she came around, showing her what they did and what things meant. Gianna was in absolute heaven, and so was Matteo.
“They’re adorable,” Anna commented as she reappeared. She held out the headphones to me; they were Moretti red with little butterflies on them and Gianna’s name in black bubble letters.
“He seriously is the best uncle.” I took the headphones from her and pulled out my phone to snap a picture of the two of them.
We spent as much time with Matteo as we could before he needed to get back to work. The pit began to fill with more people, all getting ready for qualifying that started in two hours.
“Did Gia want to say hi to Alexander?” Anna whispered to me once we are in the back rooms, a TV in front of us of the circuit, which will play the live video once qualifying begins. Gianna was given another mini race car from one of the crew members, so she was happily making zoom noises and pushing the car along the floor.
“Probably, but I wanted to give her a little time to decompress before we go back into the loudness,” I whispered back.
“You know you can take a moment to decompress for you too…” Anna mentioned, then added a soft, “ifyouneed to.” Her smile was soft and warm. When first meeting Anna, she was terrifying. After knowing she’s a mother, too, something about that alone was so comforting. That I was not alone in that version of life, and that finding myself and trying to be my own person along with being a mother was okay. It was a hard balance, one that I felt endless guilt for at times. But as my own mother had told me,taking care of yourself and your mental health is what will make you a good mother. A happy mother is a good mother, so go find your happy.
I smiled remembering the conversation we had had on the porch that day. It felt like so long ago now. Gianna was only slightly over a year old at the time, and I was not doing well. Getting up in the morning was hard; I felt like my entire life had been turned upside down. I didn’t have anything for me anymore, and it was chipping away at me slowly. After many months, it was my mother who sat me down and talked with me, told me how she had felt the same way after I was born. How postpartum depression is common and how it was okay to feel all the things I was feeling and to try doing things for myself again. Gianna was my whole world, the biggest little bundle of joy, and despite everything I had been through that gave me her, I would not change it for the world. Because that was my path, that was my choice. It was that morning when we made a list; my mom and I took out an old notepad that had been stuffed into a kitchen drawer and wrote down how to find my spark again. On the top of that list was to do new and exciting things, to say yes to experiences.
When Matteo came home that summer, Alexander had been with him. They both spent the entirety of their break on the DeLuca vineyard instead of flying around the globe and attending lavish parties and skydiving or doing whatever it was the adrenaline-addicted racers did on breaks. It was the summer that my healing began. I was determined to keep going, to keep being more present, to keep fighting for my own happiness, and being the best mother I could be.
A giggle from Gia brought me back to the present.
“Yes,” I replied to Anna. “I am trying to be better about that.”
