But do I hate him for it?
No.
I’m confounded by the man, by the Beast.And that’s the problem.I don’t know how I feel about him.
As I stare at the blinking red light in the corner of the room, I wonder if being alone in this house with him, I might be about to find out.
SIXTEEN
FENRIR
PRESENT
Eight minutes and seven seconds.
Eighteen minutes and twenty-three seconds.
Twenty minutes and thirty-one seconds.
How long does it take to get a fucking wash?
Hayami has been in the shower for way longer than is humanly necessary.I’m in and out in under five minutes—but that’s mainly because I don’t like having to look at my body for longer than I have to.It’s been nearly half an hour.How long do I give her before I break the door down and face whatever she’s done in that bathroom?
Because I’m in no doubt of what Hayami was doing that day in the pool, despite the lie she told her dad.
“I was just floating.”
Lie.
The darkness that still surrounds her is a testament to that.And I’ve been under the impression that, like me, she’s been running from something, a past she just can’t shake.That was until she confessed it wasn’t her past she was running from but her future.I was sure she was about to elaborate when Bastian had come lumbering through the trees.I still have no idea what future she’s referring to, but having been under the Devall roof for the past six months, I can guess it has something to do with her father.
She may not have attempted to take her life since the pool incident, but her behaviour has been erratic and downright scary at times.I’ve no idea what she’s running from, but I’m determined to find out.I want to help her.I see so much of myself in her, it scares me.
It’s also why I don’t like her being out of my sight.It’s hard enough to let the likes of Willa and Bastian watch over her when I’m not on shift.They don’t know what they’re looking for.They think the outside is the only threat, the only danger.They don’t realise that Hayami needs saving from herself.
Admittedly, this makes it sound like I have some sort of hero complex, and that all people need saving from themselves.But in Hayami’s case, it’s true.And I don’t judge those people who want to take their own lives because their existence is so painful that they would rather not exist at all—that, I understand.But Hayami is different.She’s a victim of her father’s choices, his actions, even of the name she carries.You don’t need to be a trained psychiatrist to see it.
But doesshesee it?
Staring at the monitor, I mentally go over the check I did of the en suite after we first arrived at the house.There was nothing in that room she could have used to take her own life, but the thought of her filling the sink and dunking her head under is too much.I go to stand, readying myself to pull her from death’s grip for the second time in six months, but then the camera blinks and she emerges through the door.A trail of steam follows her as she pulls the towel tight over her chest.
My heart rate drops, relief settling over my shoulders like my favourite T-shirt.
She sits on the edge of the bed and pulls one of her bags towards her.
The towel shifts, revealing more of her skin.It reminds me of the shift in our relationship.Before the ball, Hayami had been pushing me away, taunting me the same way she does Willa and Bastian.There was no way I was going to stand for her bullshit—only because I knew the mechanism myself: treat everyone like shit because that’s how you feel.
I showed her, that first day in the changing rooms when she asked me if I wanted to come in with her, that she wouldn’t belittle me.She wouldn’t humiliate me to make up for how crappy her life is.And it threw her.After that little incident, she didn’t know how to be with me.
But then came the night of the charity ball her father made her attend.
That night, things changed.She put her trust in me, and I delivered.She was different.Afraid.Disgusted, almost.I’ve never seen her like that before, and not with those kinds of men.I still don’t know what the ball was all about and what made her feel so exposed, because she isn’t like that at clubs or bars.There, she’s the complete opposite—wanting anyone to touch her, giving herself away to any man who’ll have her.
I don’t understand what goes through her mind, and I am confused about my role in all of it.
And since the ball, well, things have been strange.I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know our relationship has deviated.I’m just not sure how.
Hayami pulls some clothes from her bag, stopping for a second before tilting her head up.
