“Okay, thisisstarting to sound like some therapy technique,” Pierre says. “It’s not some pathway to forgiveness, is it?”
Una flashes me a worried look. “I hope you’re not contemplating forgiving him.” Her eyes darken. “That would be worse than contemplating killing him.” Although Una wasn’t working at theGazettewhen it happened, she knows what I’ve gone through in the last ten years, five of which she’s known me for. She’s been the only person who I’ve confided in about the pills, the depression, the times when I felt like life was just too difficult to navigate, and she’s been there for me through all of it. So, I hear her concern when she asks me this, because why would I forgive the man who destroyed my life and took my brother’s?
“No.” There’s little conviction in my delivery. “It’s just….”
“Just what?” she says. “He killed your brother in some shitty shoot-out at a casino. That man is fucking insane and should never be let out.”
Silence sweeps the table, and Una is the first to pick up on it.
“You know they’re letting him out, don’t you?” she says.
I nod.
“Shit,” Pierre says. “I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, even though it isn’t. “I’ve kind of got my head round it now, and it’s the reason I’ve been to see him.”
“Captain confirmed it the other week, that he was being let out and that we would obviously have to run a story on it,” Una explains, and I don’t like that they’ve all been keeping this from me, but I know it’s because they care. They want to protect me, shield me from the bad guy.
“I still don’t understand how they can be letting him out so soon,” she adds. “It’s been how long?”
“Ten years,” I answer. “He pleaded guilty.”
“They will have taken into account good behaviour as well.” Pierre swipes at something invisible in the air.
“But still,” Una protests.
“He knows people, doesn’t he? I bet he’s greased a few palms for an early release,” Pierre guesses.
“And people wonder why there’s no faith in the justice system.” Una puts her hand over mine. “I wish you’d told us. Visiting him must have been really difficult.”
“Yeah.” I feel bad for not telling her, but judging by her reaction so far, I think I made the right call.
“I take it seeing him hasn’t helped you understand?” Pierre presses.
“In some ways it has, but it’s left me in even more of a mess,” I confess.
“Why?” Una’s face is flooded with concern as her hand tightens over mine.
“I can’t go into details, but all I can say is that now I understand why he shot my brother, and it’s horrifying because I’ve started to wonder that if it had beenmeholding the gun, whatIwould have done.”
Two pairs of widened eyes stare back at me as Una releases my hand.
“No wonder you feel like you’re going insane,” Pierre says, clearing the uncomfortable silence as Una glares at me like she’s seeing a different version of me, one she didn’t think existed.
“Are you saying you forgive him?” she demands, her black-and-white version of the world being tested.
“No. I’ll never forgive him. He killed my brother; that’s unforgivable. What I’m saying is that I understandwhyhe killed him.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” Una says. “Murder is murder, no matter the reason for it. He pleaded guilty and never gave any explanation as to why he did what he did. And I get that youmight want answers, to be able to understand it, but please don’t forget who that man is—a killer.”
“Shit, this is heavy stuff.” Pierre runs his hand through his messy hair and plucks the cigarette from behind his ear.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drag the mood down,” I apologise.
“You don’t need to apologise,” Una reassures me. “I wish you’d told us sooner. I would have helped you through it. Pierre and I both would.”
“Oh. My. God!” he says suddenly, each word dropping from his mouth like the first blobs of heavy rain before a storm.
