He looks weak and beaten down.
Rushing to his side, I hesitantly graze his arm, afraid to hurt him. In the background, I hear Kian receive an update from the doctor.
“We’re running some tests to confirm the drug he took. Fortunately, he was found just in time, so he isn’t in imminent danger, but we need to keep him under observation for the next twenty-four hours. While he’ll be fine physically in the next few days, there’s the matter of him attempting suicide. Once he’s awake and talking, I’ll have a psychiatrist come and examine him. He can guide you with the next steps.”
I shatter into pieces, crying silently. There’s no stopping my sad and guilty tears. I’m trapped in a living nightmare.
“I want him shifted to a room upstairs,” orders Kian.
“Of course.” I hear him leave to pass the message to the head nurse.
A shadow falls over me. “Arya.”
“I’m not leaving him, Nova.”
“I’m not asking you to.” Cupping my shoulder and squeezing, he softly says, “He will be fine. We’ll get him all the help he needs. We’re all here for both of you.”
My throat too tight, I simply nod.
“I’ll check on Rosalie and Iris.”
“I’ll stay here,” Kian adds, standing on the opposite side of his brother. The machines beep around us once we’re alone. Kian cuts the heavy silence. “I don’t know what Nathan has told you about me… our past...”
“He told me everything. I also know you care deeply about each other.”
“I would’ve helped him if he had told me he thought about….” He trails off.
“I know,” I sigh. I’m angry at myself for not figuring it out after he told me about his struggles. The kind of guilt he carries and the darkness in his head… he must’ve been having suicidal thoughts for a while. This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision.
Nausea climbs up my throat, like an invisible hand is trying to pull my guts out.
“Sir,” a nurse interrupts. “I need you to fill out some forms before we can move the patient to a private room.”
Kian follows her out.
Desperate for answers about what was going on in Nathan’s head, I finally summon the courage to unfold the note. Sitting down on the chair next to his bed, I begin reading.
To…???
I don’t even know why I’m bothering writing this. Or for whom. I have no one left. My existence is inconsequential to mom and dad. Iris is gone. Nova is moving on with his wife. Kian found the woman of his dreams. He won. Everybody has someone. Somehow, I’m yet again left behind. Not surprising. I’ve only ever been alone, felt alone, even surrounded by people.
So, why should my death be any different?
I deserve it after everything I’ve done.
This is how it should end.
I’m tired. I’m lost. I’m in constant, unbearable, and never-ending pain. It’s hard not being wanted by anyone. Being hated, even if it’s my fault.
God, I’m so fucking tired. I just want it to end. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t spend years like this. I have no reason to live. No will to wake up in the mornings.
If death won’t come for me, then I’ll go to her.
If anyone ever reads this… know it didn’t hurt. I wasn’t scared.
I’m finally happy.
At peace.
