When was the last time I didn’t do something alone?
Near the end, Ella was too sick to do much, and I never hung out with Megan unless Ella was there. And now?
Well, I always thought I’d never have a funeral because there wouldn’t be anyone there to arrange it. I figured I might die as a Jane Doe, with no one to collect my remains. And then I thought that I’d have to bury myself alone.
Yet here he is, not taking no for an answer.
“You got a shovel?” Lynx disturbs the heavy silence.
“Why are you doing this?” My lips move without really meaning to.
It’s a pathetic question that makes me look weak and sad and powerless, and I hate it, but I need to know if this… if this isn’t just to fuck with my head. That maybe there’s a person out there making sure I don’t have to do this alone.
Without looking at me or adding any emotion to his voice, he says, “This doesn’t mean I give a fuck about you. I’ve got nothing better to do.”
Oh.
My throat bobs. God, what was I thinking? Of course he doesn’t care about me. How desperate am I to think that anyone might give a modicum of a shit about me?
He’s not helping out of obligation but—butboredom, and that might just be so much worse.
I curl my fists at my sides and chastise myself for the way my eyes sting with unshed tears.
Tears won’t get me anywhere. Any outward display of my loathsome self-pity would only add more proof that every single person I’ve ever interacted with then made the right choice in steering clear of me.
“We’ll pass the shed on the way.”
He grunts.
The shed door is nowhere to be seen after his stunt the other day. He easily manages to hold the shovel and my body.
“It’s five or so minutes in that direction.” I point toward the trees to the left.
The air between us grows more cloying as the minutes pass, like an open wound that’s festering. It’s getting harder to breathe—something I don’t even need to do, only a mere habit to fool myself into believing that I might be an actual living being.
It feels like an eternity before the willow tree comes into view. It’s smaller than I remember, but I suppose everything looks big as a child, even if I used to feel as big as this tree—like I didn’t quite fit into my surroundings and took up too much space, looking intimidating and full from the outside, but hollow on the inside; something easily torn apart with a breeze.
We both duck beneath the dancing leaves, and my feet stop me in my place.
It’s still there. Two little wooden figurines lean against an arching root, beneath the big love heart engraved into the tree with the words:
E + S = BFFS FOREVER
I used to hate my sister. Jealousy was once its own living, breathing monster inside of me. But sometimes that beast would rest and let me see the one and only person who’s ever been on my side, and in those rare few moments, I knew what being loved felt like.
The first time it happened, Ella and I snuck off from the house while our parents were away and came out here. She was older than me, and I think that’s why she saw through my bitterness and knew what I needed was a friend.
I can’t remember what exactly triggered it and made that beast momentarily disappear, but we ran out here, hand in hand, giggling and squealing and telling each other to hush in case anyone heard—the staff did, but no one was about to interrupt. We had a bucket of paint, a dream, and the taste of freedom.
We sat right beneath this tree and painted the wooden figurines, each carved in the shape of a girl, with a triangular prism for the body and a sphere for the head.
Ella painted herself to wear a white dress with flowers on it, then drew bows in her hair and at the top of her head.
I remember feeling that sickening jealousy when I looked up from my plain black figurine to hers, and then feeling the weight melt from my shoulders when my big sister told me how good mine looked.
We made a truce that day to never leave each other’s side no matter what. To always put each other first. We engraved thatpromise into the century-old tree that would continue standing well beyond the day we were eventually lowered into the earth.
I broke our promise over and over again, but Ella never did. She was the only one who stayed. I never apologized for it—for having this monster inside me, and letting it control me time and time again. And now that same beast is punishing me for it.
