About desire and arousal and pleasure and all the things that exist in the world beyond the Sanctuary's walls.
Things I was never taught at the Sanctuary.
Things I was taught to fear.
I read it cover to cover that first night, curled up in bed with the lamp on low, my heart racing every time I turned a page.
The book talks about arousal like it's normal.
Natural.
Like women are designed for pleasure, not just procreation.
Like our bodies aren't shameful vessels that need to be controlled and suppressed and hidden away.
It says desire is normal.
That women want sex—actually want it, not just submit to it.
That our bodies have parts designed solely for pleasure, with no other biological purpose.
Eight thousand nerve endings in the clitoris.
More than anywhere else in the human body, male or female.
I had to stop reading when I got to that part.
Had to set the book down and press my palms against my burning cheeks and try to breathe.
Because at the Sanctuary, we weren't even supposed to know that word.
Weren't supposed to know those parts of our bodies existed except as shameful things that would belong to our husbands someday.
But the book says they belong to us.
To women. That pleasure is our birthright, not something granted by men.
The idea is revolutionary. Terrifying.
Intoxicating.
I started the second book the next night.
Stories from women who grew up in purity culture just like me.
Women who had to unlearn shame. Who had to discover their own bodies after years—decades—of being taught they were dirty and wrong for even thinking about desire.
I recognize myself in every single story.
The fear when you realize your wedding night is approaching and you have no idea what to expect beyond pain and duty.
The confusion when your body responds to something it's not supposed to respond to.
The anger when you finally understand that everything you were taught was a lie designed to control you.
But also—and this is what I can't shake—the curiosity.
The wondering about what your body might be capable of if you weren't taught to suppress everything.
