“All the other billionaires I associate with would understand.”
She crinkles the papers in her arms.
“What…were you going to say aboutdating?” I ask.
Fortifying herself with a deep breath, Mirabelle offers me the stapled sheets she’s holding. “I made a plan.”
Be still my heart.
“First,” she says, after my shaking fingers have secured theplan, “we’ll go out to dinner at your soonest convenience. I’ve reviewed local restaurants on page two and listed them, taking into account the dishes they serve, how they relate to your macro goals, and if there are enough options that satisfy both our palates.”
Oh swear. Oh curse. OhMirabelle.
“Next, we’ll evaluate. I’ve purchased notepads for us to track pros and cons on during our dates. Should any date end with more cons than pros, we terminate the relationship.”
Therelationship. WithMirabelle.
“The following date options aren’t in any particular order. I’ve merely researched and collected a list of activities I wouldn’t mind doing. You will note they are separated intoprivateandpublicoptions. You may also note that the classicmovieis listed under private. I talk through movies. And I need subtitles. And that’s the only way it feels like a social activity to me. Going to a movie and sitting in the dark in silence provides nothing in getting to know someone, so it doesn’t count as a date.” Business-level appropriate, Mirabelle says, “Proceeding, you will note all guidelines for physical displays of affection are included before the final guideline, which is the relationship termination policy. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, since I hide it so well, but I have issues with rejection. When, inevitably, you come to realize that this is a horrible idea, I expect you to follow these steps to a tee when you break up with me. If you can’t agree to that, this ends now.” Displaying her hand, she says, “If you can, though…may we have an amicable and uneventful relationship.”
I look at her hand, then skim the break-up rules, finding them outlined in such detail that there is a flow chart.
Have I made a fool of myself?
Yes.
Does it damage your reputation?
No.
May I continue working for you?
I flip the page, and find another flow chart, specific to deciding whether or not we should continue dating, period.
Do you hate me?
No.
Do you think you might come to hate me?
No.
Have I annoyed you more than a reasonable (2) number of times within the bounds of the past excursion?
No.
I guess we can continue dating.
I press my lips together and glance at Mirabelle’s stern expression above her extended hand.
Clearing my throat, I flip the pages, toward the middle. “Can we circle back to the PDA section before we shake on this?”
Her face blooms red as she lowers her hand. “Of course. I’ve recorded comfort levels and how they relate to public and private spaces.”
That she has. Very clearly, even.
“No kissing?” I ask.
Her hands find a home behind her, tangled in her apron straps. “On the lips.”
