I huff, because I canseethat it’s labeled, but I do not likehowit is labeled.
Considering it is labeled:The Maid Scheme.
“What is this?” I repeat. “The MaidScheme? Am I robbing him or something? Also, do you have to use the wordmaid? If I take this position, I’ll be his housekeeper, not hismaid.” Because if I were hismaid, I’d be hispersonal maid, and that’s simply inappropriate.
“They’re synonyms, and so long as you maintain to dress in frilly pastel aprons with matching hair scarves, you will always be a Victorian maid in the hearts of anyone who looks at you. Not to mention, we work atMaidfor You, so I’m afraid the title is all a part of our current branding. Why don’t you actuallyclickon the spreadsheet before you ask me any more stupid questions?”
My nose wrinkles, on account of how I don’t want to, but I force myself to open this scheme of hers anyway.
The first thing that catches my eye is the Baconian essay organized into the opening boxes. It is titledReasons Damion Probably Won’t Cut You Up and Eat Youand it beginsIn this essay I will.
I blink at a paragraph going on about how he did that Batman thing.
Then I ask, “How did you make this in the last three minutes?”
“I’mgifted.”
Right. Gifted. And fantastic. And completely mental.
Like all good friends should be, I suppose.
“Why is there a financial guide with information on cruises?” I ask as I scroll away from the essay to find a color-codedpackage about which cruises I will be going on and when I will be going on them over the course of the next few years of employment.
“He offered you benefits, that means you should have PTO. What should you do with your PTO? Go on cruises to exotic countries and find the love of your life amongst the locals. I know that’s important to you, and—once again—I am ever so benevolent.” Fawn flops her arm off the bed and pushes her glasses up on her petite nose. “All this information is in the spreadsheet, Mira.”
The spreadsheet is overwhelming, and also dumb. “I will need my PTO for when I get sick.”
“You should still be allowed a vacation, and with how much he’s paying you, it won’t matter if it’s paid or not.”
“Oh? I thought over half my income was going to theSad Little Fawn Foundation.”
Her lips quip up. “Excellent charity. One hundred percent of the proceeds go directly to Sad Little Fawn. Isn’t it wonderful that even with your angelic giving, you’ll be able to go on two cruises a year?”
I drone, “Yeah, that’s really…something.”
Her teeth flash in a wicked grin. “We at the Sad Little Fawn Foundation appreciate your philanthropy.”
“Why don’t I get more information about this position next week when I clean Mr. Anders’s house and see if there’s enough space in the adjacent building he’s talking about for the both of us?”
Fawn’s smile disappears, and a prickle of unease runs down my spine.
I’m used to saying the wrong thing whenever I forget to smile or think through every line very carefully before blurting whatever I’m actually thinking, but after the past seven yearsof being around Fawn and learning that her filter is about as effective as a hula hoop, I’ve passed on censorship around her.
Sometimes, that means I say or do something wrong, and we have to have a conversation or exchange essays about it.
“Everything okay?” I ask, a little too fast.
“You’d drag me along with you into the lap of luxury and free rent?” She regains her usual demeanor and throws her hand to her heart. “I can’t believe you don’t want to donate to my livelihood that badly.”
Maybe it’s a little too soon to even allude to an offer like this. It would involve letting Mr. Anders know that I have a roommate and she’d need to come with me, and if this is actually a very dangerous situation, I’d never be able to forgive myself for dragging Fawn into it, too. Deflating, I close my laptop and sink into bed. “You’re right. It’s much better to just support the Sad Little Fawn Foundation. It’s presumptuous of me to invite you to move with me before I know more. As it stands, I have never seen inside the building he’s talking about, which means it’s definitely not been cleaned in a goodlongtime. It’s probably a shed, a shack even. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s talking about the building back behind the house that I’ve always thought held the pool supplies. Next to the house, it’s seemed tiny, so I bet it’s small. And full of spiders and snakes.”
“Oh, so you don’t want to live with me anymore?”
I pin my troublesome friend with a look. “Are you determined to be offended no matter what I say?”
“Yes, actually. Thank you for asking.” Her mood levels. “The bottom line is this: I can’t find anything that makes me wary about this guy. I think you should get more information about his expectations and veer toward heavily considering taking this opportunity. If he doesn’t mind another basic freeloader in the space he’s providing you with and if bringing me along would make you more comfortable, I am more than game to take rentout of my expenses. Also, I think probably limiting the change we both have to experience is best for us and our mental healths.”
Truer words have never been said.
