“You shouldn’t have,” she agrees. “But you didn’t really have a choice. I could see it was hurting you. In fact, everyone who knows you knew that this kind of behavior was hurting you. I could see that even on the day you guys got married so many years back. And I think even Meher can see it.”
“Then why doesn’t she act on it?”
She gives me a small smile as I rest my head on her shoulder.
“Because it is not easy to break allegiance with your family. Even when they are toxic. I don’t know why we women are built like that, but we think with our hearts, and your mom grew up in that family, Aisha. She has spent more than half of her life with them, and when they helped you guys, even if that was whatfamily is meant for, they put this unspoken obligation on her that she can’t let go of.”
“But it is so wrong, Mom. It sucks to see her like that. I hate how they treat her more than how much I hate how they treat me.”
“I know,” she says, rubbing a soothing hand over my own. “But I think she is old enough to understand that and see what she wants to do with them. It is not worth it for you to strain your relationship with her now, is it? You guys are one team. Don’t forget that.”
I nod, because I know what she is saying is true. I have known that since a very long time ago, but hearing someone else say the words out loud makes it easier to understand.
“How come you understand me better than she does?”
She chuckles softly, careful not to make too much sound because everyone is asleep.
“Because I love you, Aisha. I have always said this: you are the daughter I never had.”
“I love you too, Mom. One thing I am grateful to Reyansh for is that I met you and Dad.”
She laughs at that, and I motion for her to keep it down.
“Speaking of him,” she says, and I look at her. “Is everything okay between you two? For the past few days, you guys had so easily slipped back to your old personalities that I and Meher thought that we could go back to our homes now. But tonight was different. What happened?”
“I don’t know, Mom,” I say. “It is like we take one step forward and then three back, and I don’t know if it is worth it. I said some horrible things to him today which I shouldn’t have, but that’s what happens when I get hurt and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know whether he wants to still fix everything after today.”
“Don’t be foolish,” she waves her hand mockingly. “He would always want to be with you. That boy has never wanted any woman other than you. So, no, I don’t think that he gave up. But what happened so suddenly?”
I think over how to say everything to her, everything that I said.
“He thought I thought that he was a mistake,” I say, and her eyes widen and her mouth drops open. I know, right? That was my reaction too. As if I would waste six precious years of my life with a man that I didn’t love. Ridiculous thought, honestly.
“I said that if he doubted my love, then what’s it worth then? I also may have said that the reason we might get divorced will be because it failed us both.”
I swear if her eyeballs could fall out of their sockets, they would have.
“I know. It was such a horrible thing to say.” I bury my face in my hands, and she pats my back.
“Honey, you two are so stupid,” she says, her voice sad, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“Thanks,” I say. “I know. It is just that I have forgotten how to be nice to him anymore. I mean, I wasn’t so nice to him before either, but you know what I mean.”
She nods because she knowsexactlywhat I mean.
“I went from wanting to divorce him so that we can both be free from this marriage to wanting to be with him to thinking, ‘How can I want both things in the span of a month and a half?’ I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Which one of these feelings was true? I swear, one day my head will explode.”
“I keep thinking this one thing: what if we fall back into that space where we stop caring? I won’t be able to come back from that, for sure. What if five years down the line we both realize that it wasn’t worth it?”
“But what if it works out?” she says, “What if you guys realize this time that you don’t want to lose this precious thing? Don’t ruin your present in anticipation of a future you don’t know you will have or not.”
Her words hit home, and I know some of what she is saying makes sense.
“Forget about him because he isn’t here for this conversation. Tell me about you. Would you be able to live a happy life without him in your life? If the divorce happens after these few weeks that are left, what would your life be after that? Have you thought about it? Would you be happy then?”
“God, no,” I say, shaking my head. “Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. I can’t even say out loud how much he means to me, which is why it hurts so much. I love him too much, and I don’t think I will be able to live without him.”
He is all my happiness. My home. The one person I can rely on in the toughest storms. The one face I look forward to seeing every single day.
