He groans and rests his head on my shoulder, and I have to stop myself from smiling. Somehow her phone call brings me back to reality.
There’s still so much left to discuss, so much to heal.
I can’t let my desires get in the way.
* * *
We have been driving in silence for a while now. Awkward silence, I might say, because I refuse to let even a single sound out.
“Overthinking?” he asks out of nowhere, bringing a stop to my raging thoughts.
“No,” I say, shaking my head even though I was doing exactly that.
He gives me the side eye before focusing back on the road. We are just two minutes away from the airport, and then the one person I would not like to meet at the moment would arrive.
I truly am God’s favourite.
“Don’t lie to me,” he says. “I can tell when you’re overthinking. When you’re weighing down all the possibilities in your head.”
He goes on, and I cross my arms to show my defiance.
“Let me guess, you’re probably wondering if you did it too early, if kissing me was the right choice, if it is messing up what we had.”
“What did we have, Reyansh?” I lash out.
Because what we had was lost long ago, and I don’t get what is happening right now. I always thought forgiving him would be the most difficult thing to do. I always thought I held enough respect for myself to not put myself through a man’s bad behavior.
He looks taken aback by my question, and I take a deep breath as he slowly parks the car in front of the airport gate.
“Do you really need to ask me that?” He sounds hurt, and maybe my choice of words and my tone are accusatory because we both know what we had. It doesn’t need to be underlined. But I would really, really appreciate some clarity now.
“I do because there’s so much that’s not said between us. Just because we have cleared a few things out doesn’t mean that everything is back to normal.”
I have this urge to slam my head against a wall because I know it must get annoying hearing the same thing over and over again.
I have always been an over thinker, but the one place I have never had to overthink is my and his relationship. Until recent years, when that’s all I could doubt.
It won’t go away overnight.
“I know it must get annoying for you too but—”
“No, Aisha,” he cut me off, taking my hands away from my legs that I kept pinching. “You could never annoy me, and you know that. I understand your doubts, your fears. It sucks that the only thing I can do right now is just say that I am changing, that I have changed. I know I can only prove it through my actions.”
He looks pained as he stares at my confused state. I have nothing to say, nothing more to add because I know whatever I say will come back to the same point.
What are we doing? Is there a future to our relationship? Or will we find ourselves in this place once again? Maybe six more years down the line?
“I just keep wondering what if we give ourselves a chance and it doesn’t work out again. What if we find ourselves in this spot again?”
He shakes his head, and I stop him. I have tears in my eyes even at the thought of it, but I can’t take a risk now. Because I know I am starting to fall for him again.
I doubt I ever stopped, but the feelings were subdued for sure; the resentment grew with each passing day until I became neutral. Until all we became were two strangers sharing a home.
“You can’t deny it, Reyansh. What if we fall into the numbness that took over our relationship once again? My heart won’t survive this time, Rey.”
He presses a kiss to the back of my hand, and for a moment I forget that we were here to pick up Chhavi. She might come anytime.
He takes my face in his hand and touches his forehead with mine. I can feel his labored breath on my face, and I feel my heartbeat calm down.
