“Wait,” I stop him. “Don’t you want to continue? In return?”
His face grows confused as he looks at me as if I asked him a complicated question.
But I can’t comprehend how he doesn’t want me to give him that same pleasure back in return.
“What— no,” he says with a shake of his head as if he can’t believe that I am bullshitting him.
“Aisha, I didn’t go down on you because I wanted something back. I did it because I wanted to. I love seeing you fall apart on my tongue, on my fingers, on my di—”
“I get it,” I cover his indecent mouth with my hands and he smiles.
“Yes. So, no. I don’t want anything in return. The only time we will be having sex is when you take me back, fully and wholeheartedly.”
* * *
Reyansh comes back after changing his clothes, with his shirt and a warm towel while I laid back and thought about…everything.
One night was all it took to change everything between us. Not because we had this moment of intimacy, no. But because I know my heart—that didn’t hate him even earlier but held that resolve against him in my heart— has now melted. The shield is gone. The iron clad walls have gone down. Now there’s nothing I can hold onto except my stubbornness to keep him at a distance.
What I find myself thinking over again and again is that whether I want to divorce him because things fell apart and I didn’t think we could work out again or because I am still sitting on that high horse because I can see that things have changed.
Even with my rose colored glasses off I can see that this man in front of me will do anything but let me go.
All I need to make up my mind about is if I will still make him do that.
He helps me take off my clothes and while momentarily I feel that shyness in me, I remind myself that I have been naked in front of him a gazillion times.
He pulls his shirt over me, and I bask in the familiar warmth of his cologne and his clothes.
“There,” he helps me take out my hair that got stuck in the shirt before kissing my face again. Even when I don’t show it, a part of me cries seeing us back like this.
A hurt, unhealed part of me wants to scream at his face that why didn’t he fix himself when I kept telling myself things will get better. Why did he not see that we were falling apart? Why didn’t he do anything when he saw me drifting away?
So many questions with no answer to them. A part of me fears that if I had not brought up the topic of divorce, he wouldn’t have put in any amount of effort and that is what holds me back.
I don’t say a word, not knowing what to do anyway. I hope when sleep overtakes me, I am able to find some answers to these questions.
As we lay down in bed, I ponder over if I should turn my back and face him, but I am shy and afraid so I stay put.
“Aisha?” he says softly, as he settles down behind me and turns off the lights
I hum in response.
“Can I hold you while we sleep?”
I smile. “Reyansh, you just went down on me. I don’t think you need permission to hold me right now.”
He moves closer behind me and I can feel the heat of his body.
“I always need permission to touch you, Aisha. I don’t want to cross any boundaries.”
I turn towards him and he pulls me flush against his chest and I rest my hands right above the center of his heart.
“You don’t cross my boundaries. I would tell you if I am uncomfortable.”
He smiles and kisses my forehead.
“Good night, Aisha.”
