“I am disappointed for our mothers. They only come once in a while. The least you could have done was inform us. Just one text saying, “I am sorry. I will be late.” It doesn’t take more than a minute to type those words, Rey. But you never do. I am used to it. They are not.”
Shame fills my gut, and I can’t even look in her eyes without feeling like the worst person alive.
“I am sorry,” I say, holding eye contact with her no matter how difficult. “I am sorry that I couldn’t stick to my words once again. I know my words don’t hold any value if I don’t act on them. But I am truly trying, Aisha. If I could tear open my heart and show it to you, I would have.”
She nods, and it makes me wonder whether I truly deserve her — whether I truly deserve her understanding heart. I don’t think I do. But I will become the man who does, no matter how tough it may be. I will be the man who isn’t late, who doesn’t make her heart hurt the way I do now.
I will be the man she looks at not with pity in her eyes but with undying love.
Aisha Kapoor
We don’t speak much after that. In fact, we don’t say a word except good night. Sleep is far away from reach, but I don’t need to talk to him more. Not right now, at least, or I will word vomit all over him about my feelings, and I don’t really feel comfortable doing that with him at the moment.
And that says a lot about our relationship, considering he was the only person I could talk about my feelings with without feeling like a burden.
I know his reason was genuine. Even though I hate to say it, work does come first sometimes. Especially when you have worked hard for it. Especially when it was a lifelong dream for you. This client wasn’t only important for him but for his entire firm, and I can’t risk that. If I were in his place, I would have done the same.
The only thing I would never do is keep him guessing about my whereabouts. I would let him know if I would be able to show up or not, and that little message says a lot about priorities. And Reyansh hasn’t particularly made me feel like I am one in a really long time.
I can tell he isn’t asleep by the way he is lying behind me in a stiff position. I try to not think about him too much. I need to stop worrying about him and putting his needs above mine. I need to let him suffer for once, no matter how much it pains me. For the entirety of our relationship, I have put him above myself.I guess that comes from always being the one who takes care of everyone around you.
The only difference was that I didn’t mind thinking about him before myself. I didn’t mind taking care of him because most of the time, he was doing the same for me.
He took the weight of the world off of my shoulders before casually dumping it on me again, unintentionally.
Now I am so used to being on my own that his presence feels like an invasion of my peace. And I am not ready to let go of that.
I feel him inching towards me, which prompts me to close my eyes shut and slow down my breathing.
“I love you, Aisha,” he whispers, so low that I barely catch it. My heart picks up speed, the words affecting me in ways I would rather not let him know. “I am not worthy of you; I know that. I don’t think I have ever been. But I am an incredibly selfish man when it comes to you. I will become better for you, become the man who deserves your love. I just hope you can find a sliver of love in your heart for me still and keep it alive till I do that.”
A tear slips down my closed eye without my knowledge. His words are a slander against my mind that shouts at the top of its lungs to not believe a word out of his mouth. But my heart is different.
My heart says he deserves a second chance. My foolish, idiotic heart says to believe him for the last time.
Most of all, it lets me know that I don’t stand a chance against him this time too.
* * *
My mother is annoying. Correction—she is pushing me past my limits, which is making me annoyed.
This morning, she woke me up at the same time as Reyansh, forcing me to go work out with him at the same time. I don’t evenwork out.
I think the whole idea of exercising and working out is overrated. Doing push-ups, dumbbells, and all of that stuff is just stressful. And unhygienic, in my opinion. But she said, and I quote, that “I am out of shape and need to keep up with my husband.”
Yes, I am offended.
I don’t think I am out of shape. I think I have a great shape, and that comment was just not needed. Despite my love for my body, now I feel slightly insecure.
It is not like I didn’t think about that when things started to feel distant between us. I love how I look, but I knew there was a vast difference between me and the women he had dated in the past. They were all…British. And I am far from that British etiquette and elegance and all of that stuff. So, it is not like I didn’t question our relationship.
But I can also snap out of my insecurities quickly, and after going through his phone once and checking everything, I could positively confirm that he wasn’t losing interest in me.
Now, I am standing with my arms crossed in front of my chest in front of my hopefully soon-to-be ex-husband, who is busy doing pull-ups.
I won’t lie, I am slightly glad that she pushed me to do this because otherwise I would have definitely missed this pretty sight.
Pretty and hot. Sexy too.
