“That’s the point, Reyansh. You never know what to say. And I am tired of trying to listen to your silence.”
She doesn’t wait for me after that, choosing to grab her car keys and slamming the door shut.
Every limb in my body itches to go after her. I know better than that. If I chase her right now, she will only further push me away.
So like a loser. I stay behind, wondering what to do.
* * *
It has been one hour since Aisha left. It has been one hour since I have sat rooted in front of the front door with my phone in hand, in case she calls. It has been one hour since it started rainingheavily, and my anxiety has picked up to another level. I am just a second away from having a panic attack.
I shouldn’t be thinking negatively. Aisha is a grown woman, and she is more than capable of taking care of herself. But the way she left, so broken and angry, makes all the negative thoughts come rushing into my mind.
If this is how I act when she is gone merely for one hour, there’s no way I will be able to survive if she leaves me.
I doubt I would be able to survive even a single day without her.
“Reyansh,” my mom says, “she will be back soon. Stop fretting.”
“Yes, she is right,”Maaagrees. “She has a habit of taking a long walk or something to cool off. I know my daughter. She will be fine.”
“I know,” I say, my tone vicious, and I hate it, but I can’t help it. “I know, but I need to make sure she is okay. She isn’t even picking up my calls.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, on the brink of hurling over. My heart has started beating as loud as it possibly could, and I am afraid if she doesn’t come back soon, I might as well go into cardiac arrest.
“Rey—”
Only then does the front door unlock, and I finally come back to life. Aisha comes in, her entire body drenched in water. I clench and unclench my jaw. Half relaxed and half mad that she did this.
Something could have happened to her, and I wouldn’t have ever known.
“Fuck, Aisha,” I go and grab a towel. No matter how mad I may be at her for jeopardizing her health, I also love her too much. So much it practically hurts everywhere.
She looks at me with lost eyes, as if she can’t make sense of the situation, and my eyes well up. I have never embraced toxic masculinity. I never believed in the notion that men shouldn’t cry, but I have also never embraced my emotions fully. For so long, I have struggled with getting my thoughts and my feelings out. Aisha was and is the first person I have ever opened up to about my feelings and my thoughts. She is the only woman I have cried for and in front of.
“Aisha,” my mom says. “Are you okay?”
She nods in response, letting me dry her hair. I take my time in gently drying her up, my hands lingering everywhere I can without making it seem like too much or inappropriate.
“I will go make something hot for you all,”Maasays, and my mom follows after her, probably sensing that we both need a minute.
“Aisha,” a tear falls down my cheek. “You scared the fuck out of me. If something would have happened to you, I would have done something to myself.”
She doesn’t say anything, just looks at me. Her eyes roam all over my face.
“Baby, I know you are mad at me.” I hold her face in my palms. The way her face fits in my palms, as if it was made to be held by my hands only, resurrects my heart back to life. “I know I deserve it. Fuck, I deserve even worse. But this is no way to do that. You putting yourself at any kind of risk is something I won’t let you do ever again. Do you get me?”
“You love me, right?” she asks after a while.
“Of course, Aisha,” I tell her, looking in between her eyes to understand what is going on inside her head. “I love you. You are the only one I have ever loved and will ever love. My heart belongs to you.”
She doesn’t respond, her eyes going almost blank.
“You will do anything for me, yeah?”
I nod. Fuck, I will do anything and everything for her. Go to the moon and back. Anything she says, even if I don’t believe in it. As long as my wife is happy.
“Then tell them the truth. Tell them what’s going on. I can’t keep living under the weight of lies we have told them.”
