“What Amelia is trying to say is I have something I need to tell you about Sally,” Lady Ellen said, tears shimmering in her eyes, along with resolve. I’d been avoiding her as well, a feat that had proven difficult since we lived in the same house and she often visited her grandsons. “Amelia, why don’t you help Ethan with his kite while I speak with Noah.”
With a nod, she strode over to Ethan. My son met her halfway, the kite trailing behind him. She knelt down and began talking to him. I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the blood pounding in my ears. I curled my toes in my shoes and tried not to anticipate trouble before it came. Yet I could see my mother-in-law struggle and knew whatever she had to say would cut me to the core. I settled my hands on my hips, remindingmyself to speak civilly while inside, my heart raged. “I read Sally’s diary. The one you kept from me.”
After Oliver finished reading the diary, I tucked it into my desk, unsure what to do with the volume. Every time I entered my study, I was aware of it. Like a ghost from the past, it haunted me.
“It wasn’t with bad intentions, but I didn’t seek you out to make excuses for myself.” She exhaled, her lips turned down in a grim line. The honest statement took me aback. The countess never admitted to mistakes.
“Go on.” Dread continued to churn in my stomach, and I willed the bile down.
“Sally wasn’t dead when I found her.” The words came out in a rush.
The admission hit me harder than a fist, and I locked my knees to stay upright. I didn’t want to hear this. Spots dotted my vision, and I rocked from foot to foot. I couldn’t allow the panic to overtake me. “You said you found her dead.”
“She was alive when I found her in her room, but barely. I...” Lady Ellen put her face in her hands, rubbing at her temples. Her slender frame bent, blue veins prominent under her skin. Although I couldn’t see her expression, I knew she was crying by the slight shake of her shoulders. “I held her hand, begging her not to die, and she, well, she told me it was all right. She told me that it was God’s plan for her. She said with her gone, you could find another woman to marry, one who was whole.”
“She believed we’d be better off without her?” Horror sent my fingers digging into my palm. “I loved her.”
“I know. I know. She told me to tell you that it was a selfish act of a desperate woman.” All animation drained from her face, and she brought her handkerchief to her eyes, dabbing at the moisture. “But that she loved you, and her biggest regret was not seeing you one last time.”
“If she regretted it, why did she do it?” The rhetorical question was born out of pain and disbelief.
“I can speak to her anguish from personal experience. It’s hard to explain but imagine falling into the ocean and being inches from the surface. You see the people on the boat with their hands reaching down to help you, but your own are so weighted by the dark waters that it’s easier to sink down until you’re no longer in pain.” She laid a hand on my arm, and I stared at her. While in the Navy, it had been a blessing to know that my wife and children were well cared for by my in-laws. Perhaps Sally’s dependence on her mother contributed to her melancholy. While she’d been less harsh with Sally, she was not an affectionate woman. It appeared that she was regretting that now. The Lady Ellen standing before me was a far cry from the cold, critical woman I was used to seeing. She was hurting. I recognized the signs.
Shock continued to sweep over me in waves at her haunting description. After Sally’s death, I tried to drown my sorrows in drink and debauchery. Neither had helped in the long run; they simply put off the inevitable. I could either go on hating Lady Ellen or accept what she did and move forward. “I don’t know what to say.”
She squeezed my wrist and nodded. “You don’t have to say anything. I thought you should know how much she loved you. When you remember Sally, don’t remember her death, remember her life. Like you, I’ve spent the last year doing the former. It’s time we did the latter.”
Lady Ellen joined Amelia, and they walked away after each kissed my son. Amelia cast me one last lingering glance over her shoulder with entreating eyes. I nodded, unable to do more past the lump in my throat.
Ethan waved at the two women, using the kite winder to bring the line in. I watched him, my vision starting to blur withunshed tears. Years of discipline faded away, and I couldn’t stop them from coming. Sally thought I would be better off without her. Never once had she voiced such a sentiment to me. How could she have? I was gone most of the time, and she’d been alone. My son looked up, squinting in my direction. I turned my back to him. He couldn’t see me in such a state. The wave of grief continued to rise, cresting past my self-control.
“Papa,” Ethan said from right behind me.
I inhaled a deep breath, trying to gather my raw emotions.
“Did you need help with the kite?” I asked, dismayed to hear the shaky quality of my voice. Lady Ellen’s revelation sent continual tremors throughout my entire being. My life in the Navy had been full of adventure, and I had been reluctant to give up the chance to explore the seven seas. Perhaps I could have intervened if I had put my own needs second to my family’s. I’d gotten a hint of Sally’s melancholy the last time I’d seen her alive, but I wasn’t any more savvy to her illness than Amelia had been.
“Papa, you are sad about Mama,” he said, tugging at the hem of my coat.
My first instinct was to lie. However, Ethan had issued a statement, not a question. By the way he continued to clutch my hand, he knew I was upset. He had been young when she died but still had fond memories of her. I didn’t wish for him to remember her any other way. Ethan, Sam, and John had been insulated from her death, and I would ensure they never found out the true reason she died. “A little bit.”
He walked around me, his face serious. Head tilted, he clasped my hand. “Aunt Amelia says it is acceptable to cry if you miss someone.”
The hold I had on my tears took a hit, and I reached down to pick him up. He wrapped his arms around my neck and patted my back like I did for him when he was ill. Laughter bubbledup inside me, a refreshing feeling after such heavy grief. “It’s all right Papa,” he said.
“I know, my son.” I rocked him back and forth. The heaviness which plagued me lifted the slightest bit. My past experience said it would ebb and flow, coming at me when I least expected it, rather like a rough sea. I cupped his head and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you. Would you like to go inside now and have a cherry tart?”
He pulled away, a grin lighting his face. “Yes, Papa, a cherry tart will be just the thing.”
I bent down, picked up the kite from where he’d dropped it, and handed it to Ethan. Together my son and I went back to the house. I had people who loved me, yet I had pushed them away for fear of losing them. It was no way to live. Amelia and Oliver had opened up their hearts to me, and it was time I let them into mine.
