Many of the passages he read were simple day-to-day musings, but the love my wife felt for Ethan was heartwarming. She was happy then. Her voice shone through, and the dread I had been feeling lessened a bit. However, there had to be worse things in the diary for Amelia and Lady Ellen to fight over it with such intent. I used a match to light the tinder.
“Noah is out to sea and I despair he will not return in time for the baby,” Oliver read.
Guilt hit me, and I rocked back on my heels, fanning the flame. Being a Navy man hadn’t been conducive to having a family. I struggled every time I went to sea. The open air had a way of making me forget my troubles. I could escape. Apparently, Sally didn’t have that luxury and resented me for it. I knew that without having to read the diary.
Oliver read about my decision to resign and her eagerness for my return.
“At last, my dear husband will be by my side. I pray that his mere presence will vanquish the devil that has a hand on my soul and I will once again bask in the light of joy.” It had been a painful decision but necessary. I was ashamed to admit that it had more to do with me wishing to spend more time with my children than to placate Sally. Selfish. I was a selfish man whodrove her to this because I assumed she was thrilled to have more children.
I sat staring at the growing flames, my pulse racing with each new revelation from the diary. Sally took to her bed after the twins were born, and she’d begged me to stay home. I thought she simply missed me, but as Oliver continued to read, it became more than apparent that wasn’t the case.
“I hate the twins...” Oliver paused, glancing up from the book. The color had drained from his face, and he exhaled a shaky breath. “Do you really wish to hear this?”
Sally had gone to a dark place by then; I could hear it in the growing despair of the words she had put to paper. “No, but I need to.”
With a sharp nod, Oliver continued. “There is no more need for me to pretend I am interested in my children’s welfare. I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate the twins. God, please have mercy on my soul for hate is such a strong word. They are my children but they stole my joy and I’m afraid it will never return.”
I dropped to the floor, drawing my knees to my chest. She hated the children. No, that wasn’t possible. Sally was a loving mother. To Ethan. After John and Sam were born, she pawned them off on Nurse, rarely having anything to do with them. She’d claimed it was because she wanted to spend more time with me, and I accepted that because of my guilt over leaving for long stretches of time.
“Where is Noah?” Her plaintive words pierced my soul. They echoed through me as Oliver voiced her need for an end to her pain. “...now I will finally be able to sleep.”
I laid my cheek on my knee, my face wet. Without having realized I had done so, my guard was down enough to allow the grief through. My shredded soul broke apart more, and I lowered my head, ashamed Oliver saw me in such a raw state.
He sat beside me, placing his hand on the back of my neck, and rubbing the tense flesh. “I’m sorry, Noah. I knew what to expect, and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut by what I read. I can’t imagine how you feel.”
The words stuck in my throat, and I found it hard to catch my breath. The last passage had been too much, and I understood why Amelia wanted to keep this from me.
“You can’t blame yourself for this. She wasn’t well,” Oliver said.
I did blame myself. If I had taken her more seriously, I might have been able to save her life, or at least I could have tried.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Lady Amelia, Duchess of Hayesford
I stared at the front door of my parents’ home, my stomach in knots. In the week since the incident with Noah, I had been learning my new duties as the duchess. The responsibilities were endless, and I threw myself into learning everything I could. It helped keep my mind occupied to a certain extent. Oliver had gone to visit Noah but wouldn’t give me any details other than to say that Noah had, indeed, read the diary. I didn’t press him further, although I wanted to.
Noah had been gracious enough to allow me visitation of the boys, even though he and I hadn’t made up yet. I feared we might never reconcile, and the thought cut into my core.
Ethan came over to my house every day to play with William as Hortense had moved into the mansion to help care for Lady Gwendolyn. The twins were still too young, and I missed them, hence my reasons for visiting.
“Good afternoon, your grace,” the butler greeted with a jovial smile. At least the servants were still civil. I purposely arranged to come when I knew my mother would be out of the house. Every Thursday, she went to the women’s guild for luncheon.
“Is Father home?” Or Noah? I refrained from asking. Where he was, was none of my affair.
