“We have to hope for the best and not grieve for that which hasn’t happened.” Noah seemed to always have the right thing to say, yet as I studied his profile, something clarified in my mind.Throughout the days after Sally’s death, he’d been stoic, always there to support the rest of the family when it was he who should have been supported.
“Yes, you are right, but it’s okay to be afraid of losing someone you love.” Guilt weighed my shoulders down. I hadn’t really paid attention to the mask Noah put on for our benefit. “I miss her too,” I murmured.
The muscles under my palm jumped. “Let’s not talk about Sally right now.”
His clipped tone and stiffened demeanor spoke volumes. The pain was still raw, no matter how much he pretended otherwise. Sally’s last diary entry continued to haunt me. What would his reaction be if he knew the truth about her death? She’d ended her life, leaving him a widower with three small children.
“As you wish.” I knew he loved Sally, yet he rarely spoke about her. I could only assume it was too painful. It was painful for me too, especially after the new revelation. The diary was hidden in my secretary, and I was still debating whether I wanted to destroy it or not.
“Is Ethan still with your mother?” Noah asked. Another tell with him was the way he often changed the subject to the children when he wanted to distract me from getting too close to him.
“Ethan and William are back in the nursery playing with their soldiers. It would seem balls are rather boring affairs for children.” Given the situation, I didn’t have the luxury of quizzing him on why he was trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“I can see that.” He opened the door for me, and we went inside. Some guests were leaving, a few casting us curious looks.
I smiled at them, although it was strained. As the duchess, people would look to me to set the mood. Lady Gwendolyn had taken to her bed, but as far as I was aware, she had simply tiredherself out. “I must speak to Oliver.” Yet another conversation I needed to have. He was in love with Noah. My stomach churned with uncertainty. I had no idea how to respond to such a dramatic turn of events, nor did I have the time to contemplate my options. Lady Gwendolyn was in a bad way and needed Oliver’s undivided attention.
“Good night then,” Noah said with an encouraging smile, “and give Lady Gwendolyn my best.”
I ran up the stairs and down the hall, my heart hammering in my throat. She’d been alive when I’d left her, but what if she had taken a turn for the worse? I was thinking about myself again, a personal flaw I needed to be more conscious of.
Lady Gwendolyn’s rooms were situated at the end of a long hallway. I’d visited with her many times in the quaint drawing room she favored. As I approached, I heard muted voices. A servant stood at the door and opened it for me. I didn’t want to go inside, nervous about what I might find. Noah’s advice stuck with me. Lady Gwendolyn was still with us, and I shouldn’t mourn what wasn’t and appreciate what was.
Oliver was standing at the mantel, staring into the empty grate. The bedroom door was open, and I could see Hortense and her other sisters in quiet conversation. Stark blue eyes met mine when he glanced up.
I stretched out my hand, tears ready to fall. I refused to let them. After I learned of Sally’s death, he lent me his strength. I owed him the same courtesy. He reached for me, pulling me tight into his body. I rested my head on his shoulder. “How is she?”
“The doctor isn’t here yet.” He pressed his cheek to mine, his heart beating fast. “I pray the man will hurry. I told her we needed to keep him on staff, but she said Dr. Thomas had other patients more important than her.”
“More important than a duchess?” I placed my palm on his chest and pressed a kiss to his cheek. No matter her exalted station, Lady Gwendolyn had a humble streak.
“It would seem so. What will I do without her?” The subdued tone of his question plucked at my heartstrings.
“Do not anticipate trouble until it is upon you.” I rubbed his back in a soothing gesture, the silk jacket soft under my palm.
“When did you get to be so wise?” he teased, his voice still strained no matter how much he tried to cover it up.
“I’m simply quoting Noah, well, not exactly quoting, more like paraphrasing.”The man you love. I tried to keep my voice light, but it was hard to reconcile my husband being in love with another man. And me being in love with him as well.
“He—”
The door opened, and a man entered, cutting off Oliver’s comment. The newcomer was fairly young, with dark hair and a serious demeanor. He carried a leather satchel that looked rather heavy. “Your grace.”
Oliver released me and pointed to his grandmother’s room. “Please come this way, Dr. Thomas.”
I remained where he left me, my arms crossed over my chest. What had Oliver been about to say? Would he share his feelings about Noah with me or continue to hide them?
The same could be said for me. I was his wife, but I was equally guilty.
