“Wizard? Is that some new game I am unaware of?” Oliver asked.
“I believe he means whist.” Amelia squeezed Ethan’s hand, grinning at his mistake. She loved my son as much as I did. If Sally had only been around to see him grow. “I did promise to partner with the dowager duchess. I guess I will be in the card room,” she said.
“Good luck,” Oliver said, slipping his hand through the crook of Amelia’s arm. He had the luxury to touch her at will, and I envied that ability. At the same instance, I envied her the right to be with Oliver without fear of discovery. If I were caught being intimate with her, it would earn me a wink and a nod from my peers. If caught with him, I could be sentenced to hard time in prison. I shuddered to think of the outcome if that ever came about.
Jealousy continued to war with common sense, however. I watched Amelia and my son disappear past the other guestsbefore I turned back to Oliver. “I have obtained some cigars from Cuba. Would you like to venture to the smoking room?”
“I would rather get some air if you don’t mind.”
“Lead on,” I said.
“Let’s go out the servants’ stairs and, oh bother, here comes the vicar. Hurry.” Oliver clasped my elbow and, nodding to a gentleman trying to wave him down, exited out a door flush against the wall. The sounds of the ballroom were muffled, and a maid halted a few steps from us, her eyes wide. She flattened her back against the wall, clearly stunned by the sight of us.
“Beg pardon,” I said to the outwardly shocked woman. Chances were that although she worked in Oliver’s household, she rarely, if ever, was this close to him. Oliver simply nodded and led the way down the stairs. The hallway ended, and he exited another door until we were outside in the fresh air.
The sky was clear and the air cool but not unpleasantly so. I slipped the cigar from my pocket and prepared it for Oliver.
“Remember the last time we smoked cigars together?” he asked.
I cut off the tip and handed it to him before trimming my own. “Vividly.”
“Me as well.” He wetted the cigar tip with his tongue. “I was confused then.”
The sight provoked my passion. I flicked the match and watched the flame flare to life. He held my hand between his and lit the end of his cigar. “But you aren’t now.”
“Oh, yes, I am still very confused,” he said with a touch of irony. He inhaled and released a plume of smoke into the air.
I lit my own cigar before I blew out the match. The smell of sulfur hung in the air, along with the sweet smell of prime tobacco. I had sensed something was bothering him, and now that we were alone, I had the freedom to ask. “You seemed rather certain this morning. What has changed?”
He stared at the red-tipped end of the cigar and rolled it between his fingers. Brow furrowed, he began to walk down the gravel path that skirted the house. “Nothing has changed, and that’s the crux of it.”
We continued to walk, light spilling out on the garden. People were standing on the balcony upstairs, so even though we were away from the ballroom, we weren’t truly alone. “Pardon me, but I’m not following.”
“I am still the same man as I was the first night we kissed. I still have the same needs. I enjoyed my coupling with Amelia, truly I did...” he trailed off, puffing on the cigar. “I am a horrible person for what I am about to admit. If anyone can understand, I think it is you.”
“Speak whenever you are ready,” I said, reaching out and laying my hand on his sleeve. Haunted eyes met mine. He was in turmoil, and I wanted to be a good friend to him. However, I found myself bracing for his next words. The last thing I wanted was to give him false hope about us.
“My success with bedding Amelia was based in part on my love for her. I didn’t wish to let her down, nor would I ever wish to hurt her. However, I am still unclear if I was aroused by her or more by the sight of you naked in my bed.” Oliver dug his fingers into his hair, pulling at the strands. He tilted his head back, visibly swallowing. “Even now, I am getting hard just thinking about the way your cock felt in my hand.”
“I can see where you are confused. Does it have to be one or the other, or can it be both?” I asked. Throughout my career, I had to be levelheaded and think clearly. His infatuation with me was understandable. I prayed it wasn’t more than mere lust. The reason I had affairs with men was for physical pleasure, not for love.
He tilted his head and exhaled. “No, I don’t suppose it does. The desires I’m experiencing, well, they feel different. WithAmelia, it is more like coming home to a place where I know I belong. With you, it’s like gorging myself on my favorite food. I can’t get enough.”
My stomach sank, and I rolled my reply around in my mind. He was infatuated with me; that much was clear. I didn’t wish to upset him nor give him false hope. The alternative would be to cut the affair short, but every fiber of my being cried no. “Your feelings are understandable. Up until the night in the study, you’d never been intimate with anyone. I was the first to introduce you to physical stimulus, thus it is not unusual for you to mistake passion for more. Rest assured, that will pass soon enough. Things will become easier once you settle in with Amelia, and you’ll soon forget about me.”
Oliver snapped his head around and stepped close enough I could see the pinched corners of his mouth. He rarely lost his temper, but by the stiffness of his frame, he was angry. Although it was dark, I could feel his heated glare. “Forget about you? Do you honestly think I can ever forget about you? I lo—”
“Don’t say it, Oliver.” My earlier fear was realized, and I shifted on my feet, the muted sounds of the ballroom reminding me that we weren’t alone. I lowered my voice and tried to maintain my outer calm. “I gave you my opinion on the subject, and it hasn’t changed. No matter how fond I am of you, I am not willing to involve myself in more than an affair.”
“Just because you don’t wish to hear it doesn’t make it any less true.” Oliver flattened his palm on my chest, covering my heart. “I won’t press the issue, nor will I apologize for being in love with you.”
