Felix Green, the man who turned state’s evidence against his brother, Gary Griego, is standing before me in a too-short woman’s robe, covered in flamingoes. Thick hair forms a chest carpet that pokes through the top of the robe.
Just when I think I’ll need to bleach my eyeballs to get this image out of my head, a leering grin stretches across his face. “You here to join the fun, doll face?”
A growl, an actual growl, sounds from behind me, and I worry that a dog has gotten loose in the city. A second later, I realize that rabid dog is my warrior, and he takes all kinds of exceptions to this dirtbag in front of me.
Felix’s face falls, his eyes darting between Ryker and me. “What’s going on? Is there trouble? How’d you know to find me here?”
“Who’s at the door, sugar?” Mrs. Jacobsen’s sweet voice filters through the house. She joins Felix at the foyer, wearing a judge’s robe.
“What on earth?” I can’t stop the words coming out of my mouth.
“Oh, hello, dear,” Mrs. Jacobsen smiles. “We were just doing a little role-playing. You came at a great time. We’re inrecess. Would you like to come in for some lemonade and cookies?”
My mouth is open, but nothing’s coming out.
Ryker manages to get us inside the house and settled at the breakfast table before my brain starts computing the frightening scene before me.
“So, you two?” I begin.
Felix shrugs. “Turns out, I’m a fan of GILFs.”
Ryker raises an eyebrow. “GILF?”
“Grandmas I like to fuck,” Felix smirks.
Brain bleach. STAT!
“Isn’t this great? I’m a GILF and a cougar!Rowar,” Mrs. Jacobsen smiles then makes a lion sound while she swipes her arthritic hand through the air.
No. No. No. No.
Maybe if I click my heels together three times, I’ll wake up in my bed, and this will be a distant nightmare?
“Is something wrong with this young lady?” Mrs. Jacobsen asks Ryker. “She looks like the cat’s got her tongue.”
Ryker snorts at this.
I clear my throat. “Mrs. Jacobsen, I have some questions for you. Official business. If you’d like to - uh - change into something less comfortable?”
She looks at her robe and nods, heading to the other room. I turn to Felix, who shrugs.
“What? There aren’t a lot of single women out here,” Felix smiles. “And it’s not like I can go online.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Felix, I need you to go into the other room because your ding dong is about to poke out of that robe, and it’s too much. Too. Fucking. Much. Now, go.”
Felix appears to have more to say on the subject, but a quick look at Ryker changes his mind. He scurries into the other room like the rat he is.
Mrs. Jacobsen rejoins us - dressed, this time - in the breakfast nook. “Now, how can I be of service?”
“Besides Felix, has anyone else bought or rented a house in the last few weeks?” I lean against the kitchen counter.
“I really can’t discuss that,” Mrs. Jacobsen clucks her tongue at me. “There are privacy laws. But, if you want to obtain a warrant, I’ll be happy to provide you with that information.”
Ryker shakes his head.
I pull the pen out of my pocket. “Mrs. Jacobsen, I found this pen at the scene of a crime. Your real estate advertising pen.”
She clasps her hands to her chest. “Oh, my!”
