The world fades away.
I kiss him and keep kissing him until he slowly slides out. Until he wraps me in his arms and crushes his mouth to mine again, the shadows swirling around us.
A monster.
Mymonster.
32
EVELINA
“Very sloppy, Evelina. Again.”
Madame Kuzmina’s voice comes from her usual seat in the fourth row of the theater.
“What?” Milena mutters under her breath next to me on stage. “Dude, that was perfect.Youwere perfect. What the fuck is her problem?”
“We’re waiting, Ms. Nikitin,” Kuzmina says coolly.
I roll my shoulders and stand tall, then turn to her. “Of course, Madame.”
Maybe that last run-throughwasperfect. Or maybe, as I’m starting to figure out, perfection is all aboutperception.
Sometimes, what you think is perfect only looks that way from one particular angle. Look at it from a different one, and you see how flawed it really is.
And yes, I’m talking about Vaughn.
I repeat Aurora's variation from the third act ofSleeping Beauty, focusing on the pure technique the role demands. But my mind is only half on the steps.
The other half is unraveling.
I’munraveling.
I’d have to be insane to say this mad, wild thing with Vaughn is perfect. It’s obviouslynot, especially with this utterly confusing line we're tiptoeing between him steadfastly refusing to call us a couple, but then also being so insanely possessive and protective of me that it takes my breath away.
But if I can leave aside the “relationship” part and focus just on the physical, then…yeah…from a certain angle,that partis perfect.
He pushes me to my limits, then shows me that those really aren’t my limits at all and takes me further. He unlocks parts of me I’ve kept shut away because I was scared of them. The way he makes me come, and the way he fucks me…my God, the way he fucks me…
He’s awakened another side to the Evelina who's spent her whole life up till now hiding behind a pink tulle princess persona. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m breathing with both lungs.
I feel like I’m finally, truly seeingall of mewhen I look in the mirror.
…And yet, there’s a dark side to what he’s awoken in me, too. A new piece of who I am that appears to be clashing with the “me” I’ve always been.
Clashing, fighting, and consuming.
And it’s starting to scare the hell out of me.
Because as much as I crave the rough, unhinged brutality of his touch, I’m starting to wonder if that part of me he’s unlocked isgoodfor me.
Is he freeing me or corrupting me? Because even though I do feel that I’m seeing my true self now when I look in the mirror, I’m not sure Ilikewhat I see.
I’m starting to worry that there’s a reason my subconscious buried this dark part of myself that Vaughn has now uncovered, so much so that I’ve gone almost radio silent since we got back from France three days ago—sleeping at my house, avoiding his calls, texting back only sparingly.
Maybe that’s cowardly. But it’s also self-preservation. When I look in the mirror and see "all of myself", I need to be able to trust what I see.
I need to know that those other sides of me—the ones that crave a certain darkness that only he seems to be able to give me—areme, not just him projectingontome.
