‘I’ve just realised how…silly our whole fight was.’ She’s not looking at me anymore, so she can’t see the abject horror on my face.
Silly.
But I know Bee, and she’s on a roll. There’s no hope of interruption, so I just settle back in my chair.
‘We were both at fault for how everything happened, look, I will concede that youmayhave been right about William, to an extent, but that certainly doesn’t justify what you said to me that night let alone the shit you pulled with the apartment.’ God, when is she going to take a breath? ‘But I’ve had a bit of time to think about it over the last few weeks, and I realiseyou must have really been going through something to do what you did.’
I mean, yes but…
‘So that’s why I brought Arthur to you tonight! He was my peace offering so that we can start fresh. It was obvious to me that you both just needed to get in a room together to sort your stuff out, and I was totally right! It worked, judging on the stupid little grin you’ve had on your face since. I think it’s extremely generous since now I’ll have to be around my ex’s best friend all the time, but whatever. Anyway, I never told Brian I was moving out, so you can have your old room back and ditch that grotty old share house now. You might have to live with a few racks of my clothes, but they won’t take up too much space…’
‘Bee!’
‘All right, Gertie.’ She jolts in her seat, spilling wine down her front. Gertie? ‘There’s no need to shout. I can probably fit one of the racks in my room.’
I laugh. ‘Yeah no, that was not the reason for the shouting.’
‘Well, you shout so much these days it’s hard to tell. I miss when you were quiet.’
‘I bet you do,’ I say.
She pauses, taking that in. ‘So why were you shouting this time?’
‘We’re not going to be friends again, Bee.’
‘But…’
‘One half-baked good deed done for selfish reasons doesn’t negate the fact that this friendship isn’t healthy for either of us.’
She looks at me in silence. I can hear a siren cut through thegeneral buzz of the city below; a light is flashing off the top of one of the skyscrapers. A plane starts to make its descent into the airport, and all the people up there must be marvelling at the view of all of us down here. I can feel the soft breeze on my face and await the buzz of my phone to liberate me from this conversation.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says. Blurts, really. It’s nowhere near the best apology I’ve received tonight.
‘For what, specifically?’
‘I’m sure you could give me an itemised list,’ she says.
‘But I won’t,’ I reply. She frowns and crosses her arms. ‘It’s okay. Take your time.’
Another few minutes pass.
Her voice is small when she speaks again, barely above a whisper. ‘I’m sorry for telling fucking Bill your private business.’
I nod. ‘And everyone at school.’
‘And everyone at school.’
Another few minutes. Is Arthur stuck in traffic or something? Bee’s mouth opens and closes a few times, like she’s going to say something then thinks better of it. Her brow is furrowed, her gaze focused on a pioneering column of ants crawling out through a crack in the tiling and marching their way to nowhere. She exhales, utters a soft ‘Huh’ and then turns to me again, still troubled. I keep my face as passive as I can.
‘I’ve never really treated you like a whole person in your own right, have I?’ She says it with a tone of wonder, like it’s the first time she has thought it, and saying it aloud has made it real. ‘Just an accessory. Ever since high school.’
I recognise the look on her face. It reminds me of the crisis that brought me to that very consequential panic brunch with Arthur all those months ago. She’s questioning every interaction, every conversation, every look. Except she’s tearing our friendship apart hunting for times that paint her in a good light, and she’s coming up empty-handed. That’s a whole different type of crisis, and I don’t envy it.
‘Honestly? Yes.’
She starts to cry softly, and I place a hand over hers where it rests on the table. I don’t know if she’s crying for her sense of herself or for me the person who bore the brunt of it, but I’m not sure it matters now. I think it might have mattered a lot more before. It’s a bit sad if it doesn’t matter.
‘It wasn’t all bad, you know. You’re hyper-focusing on the bad parts right now, and I get that, but there’s so much about our friendship that I cherish. And all of that—those memories—that’s why I stayed so long in the first place. I could convince myself that the good outweighed the bad.’
