‘I thinkhethinks his appendix has burst.’
‘Or perhaps that his entire torso is going to explode.’
‘Oh look, Bee is running back to help him.’ My voice suggests sweetness, but Arthur bends over pretending to hurl. Also not an inaccurate prediction of William’s immediate future, so it works on a few levels.
‘Well, he is entirely keeled over at this point; she’d be a bit shit to just ditch him.’
‘Like us?’
‘No! We haven’t ditched him. We’re just not actively helping.’
‘I’d say we’re hurting more than helping with this line of inquiry.’
‘Probably.’
‘Aww, she’s helping him onto the grass so they can sit together!’
Arthur still doesn’t think it deserves an aww, or anycomment at all as I hand him my drink bottle, knowing that he neglected to bring one.
‘Does she even sweat at all?’ he asks, taking a long sip before passing it back. ‘We’ve walked five kilometres in the sun and she looks like she just ducked down to the shops.’
‘So you finally understand my pain.’
‘I really do. Now they’re holding hands?’
‘Well, she’s definitely sweaty now. He’s dripping all over her.’
Whether it be from a lack of ideas or a desire to combine our social outings with his daily routine, Arthur gets on a bit of a roll with sports-like activity. But there’s a limit. And as I approach the latest location, I realise that the limit is located at the doorstep of a Spin studio.
‘No,’ I say, halting in my tracks, preparing to turn around and go back the way I came.
I hear him chasing after me. ‘Come on, Gertie! William and Bianca will be here any minute!’
‘I’m not doing this,’ I say.
‘But you look so good!’
Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in that I wasted a brand-new activewear set that inexplicably cost three hundred dollars on this non-starter. ‘Don’t try to sweet-talk me!’
‘You won’t even try?’ Oh, he’s giving me the puppy-dog eyes again. They are my weakness, and I know he knows they’re my weakness, because sometimes he sends me dog gifs when he really wants me to do something. However, today, he has overestimated his puppy-dog powers, because my hatred of bikes outweighs his adorable face by a considerable margin.
‘I don’t need to try. I already know that I would loathe every minute spent inside that godforsaken place, and I do not need to actuallygo in thereto understand that about myself.’
‘You might like it!’
‘My butt hurts just thinking about putting it on one of those seats. A very damaged person designed those torture devices. Definitely aman.’
‘You’re always so dramatic. It’s an endearing quality.’
Don’t try to sweet-talk me, buddy. ‘Andyouhave some deep issues to address in therapy if you think a Spin class will ever be a net positive experience. I’m going to get brunch.’ I turn to walk away.
‘What about Bianca and William?’
‘What about them? I might miss him collapsing off the bike in exhaustion and then his hair getting caught up in the revolving spokes, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take. I need bacon. Bye.’ I turn away again, but I can hear him following me. He acts super casual when he catches up and falls into step with me. Like we’ve made a new plan together.
‘What, you think I’m going to third-wheel that shit? Knowing them, they’d turn the bike into a sex chair.’
Brunch is an infinitely better choice, and Arthur even gives me some of his bacon, which is true friendship. He looks very serious while chewing his French toast. ‘Bacon is the best food group.’
