“It’s been wonderful getting to know a sapphic couple. I’ve always wanted more queer friends.” Marin meant every word, but she was also trying to get some conversation going.
“And fellow academics,” Charlotte said.
“Yes, definitely. Maybe I can introduce you sometime.”
“Maybe.” Charlotte gave her a tentative smile, then looked at her plate, brow furrowed. “I worry, Marin. You’ve been on this path for so long. You’ve workedsohard to get here. You’ve really embraced your identity as a lesbian, and you’re ready for a real relationship with a woman, and I’m just ... none of those things.”
“None of what things?” Marin asked, trying to keep her anxiety at bay. This was the conversation they needed to have, after all.
“I’m not out. I’m not comfortable in my identity. I don’t even know what my identityisat this point.” She sighed. “And I’m generally terrible at relationships. I told you before that I’d just been through a bad breakup, but I didn’t tell you how messy it was.”
“No, I guess you didn’t.” Marin reached out and touched her hand. Sitting side by side on stools in her kitchen made this easier than if they’d been seated across from each other at a table.
Charlotte flipped her hand to grip Marin’s fingers. “Darren was my college boyfriend. He had wanted me to follow him to DC for his new job after we graduated, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment yet, so I broke up with him, but I always wondered ‘What if?’ You know? I thought he was the one that got away, so one of my misguided attempts to find purpose after I thought I’d watched you die was to track him down and give things another chance.”
Marin kept her hand in Charlotte’s, not wanting to interrupt her story.
“It was great at first. We fell right back into each other’s arms like no time had passed. I left the real estate firm I was working for in Manhattan and took a position in DC. Darren is a congressional aide, and he’s doing some interesting work, really trying to make change. I thought, this is it. This is what I’ve been looking for. Darren might be the one.”
Charlotte’s eyes were glossy now. Marin scooted her stool closer so she could press her shoulder against Charlotte’s, offering support. It thrilled her that she could touch Charlotte more freely now, that she didn’t have to worry about these touches being misinterpreted.
“We were madly in love for a little while, but there were warning signs from the start,” Charlotte continued. “He put his job before me, beforeeverything. Aside from our chemistry, we had very little in common. It didn’t take long before we were fighting again, just like we did in college. We sniped at each other constantly. It was just ... a train wreck.”
“I’m sorry,” Marin murmured.
Charlotte sighed, her eyes downcast. “I uprooted my whole life for him, gave up my job and my apartment in New York. I’d been so obsessed with finding meaning in my life, and instead I got myself into this relationship where I was miserable all the time, and I realized I’d gone after the wrong thingagain. It was so demoralizing.”
“How did you end things?”
“He went out of town on business, and I just packed my stuff and moved out. I left him a note, which is so pathetic of me, I know. I just cleared out of his apartment. I had no idea where I was going, but I’d been thinking about my mom a lot, and my dad had been asking me to visit, so I drove straight from DC to Vermont, and here I am.”
Marin wasn’t sure what to think of that. Moving out of someone’s apartment without saying a proper goodbye seemed kind of harsh, even if the relationship hadn’t been great. But she’d already noticed Charlotte had a tendency to run from difficult conversations. Hopefully, it was something they could work on together.
“How long ago was this?” Marin asked.
“September.”
“And I arrived in January.”
“And turned my life upside down in an entirely different way.” Charlotte gave her a shaky but sweet smile. “After I left Darren, I decided to take a break from dating. I put my focus on figuring out what happened to my mom and trying to reconnect with my dad, no distractions.”
“I respect that,” Marin said, and she did, although it hurt to think her relationship with Charlotte might be over before it had begun.
Charlotte blew out a breath. “I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you.”
“No?” Marin tried not to let her insecurity show.
“I didn’t want to date, and like I said, I have a terrible track record with relationships, but I can’t seem to ignore my feelings for you. I’m not ready to come out. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to take things beyond kissing yet. Would ... would it be enough for you if we take it slow? Just let me try to sort myself out before we put a label on anything?”
“I can go as slow as you need,” Marin told her. “There’s no rush, as long as you see yourself dating me publicly at some point. Eventually, I do want a partner who shares every facet of my life.”
“No rush, hmm?” Charlotte gave her a playful smile that faded abruptly. “I was going to tease you about how desperate you were earlier, but Marin, I’m not sure any of this is fair to you. I know how long you’ve waited, how serious you are about dating and finding a life partner. I totally understand if you want to look for someone who can offer you thatnow, because I just don’t know how long it will take me to catch up to you. I’m sorry, but I don’t.”
Marin looked down at her half-eaten lasagna as she gathered her thoughts. “It’s easy for the logical side of my brain to agree with you. Statistically, I have a higher chance of success if I keep using the dating app, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned since I met you, it’s that statistics don’t apply where we’re concerned. My heart wants what it wants, and that, my dear, isyou.”
Charlotte’s bottom lip quivered. “Your ... your heart?”
“Yes.” Marin felt vulnerable for the admission, but she wouldn’t apologize for it. “It’s not a declaration of love, at least not yet, but you can consider it a declaration of intent. I like you a lot. I’m ridiculously attracted to you and have been since the moment I first laid eyes on you on that bus.”
