“Did you feel something for me in that moment?” Marin pressed. “Or was it a pity thing because you knew how badly I wanted to kiss a woman?” Her eyes filled with anguish.
“No!” Charlotte exclaimed. “It wasn’t pity. I was thinking about how much you deserve passion with a woman, and I ... I ...”
“You what?” Marin was still staring at her, and all that newfound confidence Charlotte had just been admiring seemed to evaporate, leaving behind a woman who was unsure and vulnerable, a woman Charlotte had hurt.
She hated this. “In that moment, I wanted it to be me,” she whispered. “Iwanted to be the one to give you that passion.”
“Because ... what? You were doing me a favor or something?” Marin sounded even more hurt now, and to Charlotte’s horror, her eyes shone with tears. “How is that not pity?”
“Because that’s not what I was feeling. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“But you told me you’re straight,” Marin’s voice wavered, “which means presumably you didn’t enjoy kissing me, and now you’ve told me you were trying to give me what I wanted, which was to kiss a woman, but I wanted to kiss a woman who wanted to kissme, not someone who was doing me a favor. Don’t you see the difference?”
“I do.” Charlotte nodded frantically. “And I did, Marin. Maybe it was the wine, but Ididwant to kiss you.”
“Why?” Marin asked in a heartbreakingly brittle voice.
“Because ...” Oh god, how could she answer without admitting to everything she’d been agonizing over for the last few weeks? But Marin had made herself vulnerable to Charlotte enough times, and Charlotte couldn’t bear for her to think that kiss had been some pathetic attempt by a straight woman to let Marin experience a sapphic kiss. “I truly wanted to kiss you, and Ididenjoy kissing you ... a lot. I wanted that kiss so much, for myself as much as for you.”
Marin’s eyes were pleading. “Please tell me what that means.”
“It means ...” Charlotte gulped. “I have some soul-searching to do, but I need you to understand that this is about me, not you. Right now, I’m not ready to face what this means aboutme.” She exhaled shakily. “Is that okay?”
Marin blinked. “Of course.”
So many emotions flickered across Marin’s features in that moment, Charlotte couldn’t read them all. But she’d just realized something. Marin had kissed her back enthusiastically. She’d moaned. She’d pulled Charlotte into her lap. She’d lookedaroused, so aroused that Charlotte still felt flustered every time she remembered it. Marin had told her she felt nothing when Laura kissed her, so her reaction shouldn’t have been due solely to Charlotte being a woman.
So did that mean ... did she dare hope ... Marin was attracted to Charlotte too?
“Hey, have you moved into your new house yet?”
Marin turned at the sound of Audrey’s voice. They’d just wrapped up another meeting with the Pride Coalition. Marin was really enjoying her involvement with the group and her new friendship with Audrey. “I’m actually planning to stay there tonight for the first time.”
“How exciting,” Audrey said. “Michelle told me she noticed that the for sale sign was down, so she thought the sale must have gone through. I don’t usually go out that way.”
“Yeah, I closed on Saturday.” It was Wednesday now, and Marin couldn’t wait to make things official. Her bedroom furniture had been delivered yesterday, so while the house would still be pretty bare, it was ready for a sleepover.
She talked to Audrey for a few more minutes. As she was leaving the building, she saw Brianna coming out of the bathroom. Marin hadbeen hoping for a chance to check in with her and see how she was feeling about things. “Hi, Brianna,” she called.
“Hi.” Brianna gave her a stiff smile, but she waited outside the bathroom and fell into step beside Marin as she walked past.
“How are things?” Marin asked.
Brianna shrugged. There were several other students nearby, and maybe that was why she didn’t say much, because she stayed close to Marin as they walked outside. The afternoon had turned frigid as the sun settled low in the sky. Marin couldn’t wait for spring to officially arrive. Today was March tenth, but here in Vermont, it still mostly felt like winter.
Brianna kicked at the fresh dusting of snow that covered the walkway, then looked at Marin. “I’m a coward, that’s how I’m doing.”
Marin frowned. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I haven’t told anyone. I’m still walking around campus—around my whole life—letting everyone assume I’m straight, and Ihatemyself for it.” There was such vitriol in her words, it drew Marin up short.
“Oh, Brianna, no. Taking the time you need to come to terms with your sexuality, waiting until you’re ready to come out ... that isnotcowardly, no matter how long it takes, even if you never come out. If you’re not ready, for literally any reason, then you need to cut yourself some slack. You’re being your own worst enemy here, you know?”
Brianna looked down at her hands, scowling.
“It took me twenty years to come out. Do you think I’m a coward?”
“Well, no, but times were different twenty years ago, and—”
