Michelle got up and slipped into comfortable clothes of her own, then went into the bathroom, surprised to find Muse curled up on the bath mat. “What are you doing in here?” she murmured to the cat, who watched her out of slitted eyes. Probably, Muse was annoyed with her for having Audrey in her bed. Lately, Muse had been occupying that space, taking over the side of the bed where Kelly used to sleep.
Michelle never understood what was going through Muse’s mind. The cat remained a mystery, but her disdain for Michelle was clear enough as she immediately got up and scratched at the bathroom door, unhappy about having been closed in with her.
After freshening up, Michelle opened the bathroom door, rolling her eyes as Muse darted out, racing through the bedroom and into the hall beyond. So dramatic. Audrey went into the bathroom next, so Michelle went downstairs and started her kettle. She set a box of tea bags on the kitchen table so Audrey could select whatever blend she preferred.
Michelle opted for lavender-chamomile since it was so late in the evening, although it was unlikely she’d have trouble sleeping after all the energy she and Audrey had burned together. She’d just sat at the table when Audrey entered the kitchen.
“So, what’s this big work-related thing you wanted to talk to me about?” Audrey asked as she sat in the chair opposite Michelle, selecting raspberry tea for herself.
“It’s not big, at least not yet ... but it might become big.” Michelle looked down at her tea, then back at Audrey. “You must know I haven’t been happy at Northshire for a while.”
Audrey’s brow furrowed. “I guess I did.”
“I used to love my job more than anything in the world.” Michelle lifted the string on her tea bag and gave it a stir, watching as the amber color swirled through the water. “When you first met me, back when you were a student ... that was a good time in my life.”
“I noticed you seemed happier then,” Audrey said quietly.
“I was, but that was a long time ago. Lately, well ... I see you in front of a classroom, and I know you’re the future of the department. You’ve got so much energy and passion, and your students are responding to it. That’s not the case for me anymore, and so, I think it might be time for me to move on, to leave NU.”
Audrey stared at her with wide, questioning eyes. “Where would you go?”
“That’s the question, isn’t it?” Michelle gave her tea another stir. “I’ve applied for a few positions back in the UK.”
“Oh shit.” Audrey’s mouth actually gaped. “When you said you might be moving on, you meant that in a really big way.”
“Not necessarily. I applied for those positions before we were together, and even then, it was more of a pipe dream than something I really expected to happen. I’m not even sure I want to move back to the UK. I’m not sure about anything, except that I’m not happy in my current job. These last few months, watching you thrive at work, I felt like it was a sign for me to move on. Now that you’re sharing my bed, it feels like ... something else. I don’t have any job offers on the table. I might be at Northshire for years yet. I just wanted you to know where my head has been. I feel that my time at Northshire is reaching an end, but I can’t say when—or if—I’ll leave, or where I’ll go if I do.”
“That’s a lot to take in.” Audrey reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “But I appreciate your honesty. I didn’t know you were that unhappy here.”
“Oh, please. You’ve seen how I am at work, and you’ve heard what they say about me. I’m not naive. I know I’m the scapegoat for everything that’s wrong with our department. And all you have to do is check that god-awful ‘rate my teacher’ website to know what my students think of me.” Michelle exhaled roughly. “I may come across as if it doesn’t bother me, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life at a job where almost everyone dislikes me.”
“And you shouldn’t have to. If you’re that unhappy, you should absolutely look for a new job. Maybe even a new career? Have youconsidered publishing your book instead of looking for another university position?”
“I have, and I wish that was a realistic goal, but I haven’t even finished writing it yet, and the research I’ve done indicates I’m unlikely to earn a living writing historical fiction novels anytime soon. I’ll need a new day job before I can quit this one. Or maybe ...” She paused to gather her thoughts before she said more than she’d intended. But then again, she and Audrey had promised to be open with each other. “Maybe I’ll find new joy at NU with you in my life. Nothing is certain. I just wanted you to know there’s a possibility I’ll be leaving.”
“I get that.” Audrey paused, fidgeting with her mug. “It just hurts to think I might lose you so soon after we started dating.”
It hurt Michelle to think of losing Audrey too. That had never been her intention. “I know it’s too soon for us to talk about our future, but if I get a job offer somewhere else, I’d like to have that conversation with you then.”
Audrey blinked at her. “Really?”
“Yes, unless you see us as something short term?” Because Audrey looked so surprised that Michelle had mentioned their future, and she didn’t like the way that made her feel.
“No, I don’t.” Audrey pressed her lips together. “I just assumed ... well, I’ve always prioritized career opportunities over relationships, and the people I’ve dated in the past have too. You’re different, Michelle. In so many ways.Goodways.”
“I don’t make relationship decisions—or any major life decisions—lightly,” Michelle said. “It was fairly monumental for me to decide that there might be another chapter to my professional life, a chapter after NU. No one would ever call me impulsive, so whatever happens next for me, if you and I are still together, I would very much like to talk about it with you and factor our relationship into my decision.”
“I really appreciate that.” Audrey scooted her chair around the table so they were sitting side by side. “And I want you to be happy, whatever that looks like. Maybe I’ve been in denial about it, because the idea ofyou leaving NU just as I’m getting started here feels so incomprehensible to me, but I do see how unhappy you are. So, whatever you need to do to bring more joy into your life, please do it.”
“It means a lot to hear you say that.” Honestly, Michelle couldn’t even fathom it. No one in her life had ever supported her this way. Her family had ridiculed her for staying in America after grad school, when teaching at Oxford or Cambridge would have been so much more prestigious. Never mind that she’d married a woman, a fact that still got her old-fashioned parents in a twist.
And Kelly? It took Michelle entirely too many years to realize that Kelly hadalwaysput her own needs first. She and Michelle had moved to Vermont because Kelly got a job here. She’d pressured Michelle to stay at NU until she’d gotten tenure, and once she got it? Kelly wouldn’t hear any talk of Michelle leaving. She’d told Michelle not to rock the boat. Why would she risk everything by leaving a job that was essentially guaranteed for the rest of her professional life?
So, Michelle stayed. She stagnated. Sheendured. But now, with Audrey at her side, anything and everything felt possible.
Michelle did her best to hold on to that feeling as she wrapped up the fall semester and flew to the UK to spend the holiday with her family. But as she sat in the living room of her parents’ house on Christmas Day, it was hard to feel anything but uncomfortable.
As much as she yearned for home when she was in Vermont, now that she was in London, she was reminded that she didn’t fit in here either. Perhaps the only place she felt like she truly belonged was with Audrey.
