When I didn’t answer immediately, Trav said, “Just let me know after the hike.”
“Spring Break 2012?”
He grinned. “Never looked back.”
I followed him up the trail, the others behind me. “I know it’s warm this morning,” he called to us, “but when you see the view from the top, it will all be worth it.”
This was, perhaps, my favorite thing about the BVIs: the clearest Caribbean water juxtaposed against the most majestic mountain peaks. It was geographic perfection.
As I hiked, focusing on the flora and fauna of one of the world’s most beautiful places, my head cleared from the drama surrounding me. I thought of Babs and how I couldn’t wait to see her when I got back—and maybe delve a little deeper into my thoughts about our wedding veil. I smiled when I pictured her seeing me.You look so sun-kissed, darlin’, she would say.
Yeah, we all knew that a tan wasn’t healthy, but Babs sure did love it.
As we reached the vista, I climbed up to stand on a mud-colored rock and took a deep breath. Up here, with the sparkling water far below, it felt like I was a part of the sky, like the real world didn’t exist anymore. The clear blue ocean dotted with the green ofislands, surrounded by mountains, looked like a movie set. Could something this beautiful actually be real?
“This is my best thinking rock,” Trav said, startling me.
I smiled, noticing his vintageHUGS NOT DRUGST-shirt. Trav was practically a caricature; he fit every stereotype I’d ever known about a disgruntled American who left behind the rat race for the good life.
“When I have a big decision to make,” he continued, “I come up here and sit on this rock.”
“For real?” I couldn’t imagine that Trav was making a lot of tough decisions, but I liked the idea of it.
He nodded. “For real. You should try it.” He gestured toward the group. “I’m going to take them back. You know the way if you want to stay behind for a few minutes?”
I nodded.
“If you aren’t back in an hour, I’ll come make sure you haven’t been eaten by a mountain lion.”
“Well, that inspires a lot of confidence.”
As the group made its way down the mountain, I sat on the rock, which felt cool and mossy against my bare legs, closed my eyes, and breathed in deeply. I’d meditated before. I wasn’tgoodat it. Being good took real focus on clearing your mind, and that wasn’t my favorite thing. But in the stillness of the moment, it seemed more effortless than usual. Or maybe my sleepless night had me all thought out.
I figured that, once I got quiet, I would think about Hayes. But instead, I thought about the moment Babs had been about to put the wedding veil on my head and how panicked I’d felt. My entire life that veil had been a symbol of happiness, but I realized that, forme, its significance wasn’t even really about marriage. It was about the connection that touching it, wearing it, seeing it, made me feel to Babs and Mom, to my great-grandmother, and Aunt Alice.
I would love to bring them here someday. I smiled, looking out over the mountains, thinking of Asheville, of that bridesmaids’ luncheon, of Cornelia Vanderbilt andherwedding veil. I knew Babs thought it was crazy, but there was just something about seeing it in that photo, a hum, afeeling. I had to investigate more when I got home.
Home. What did that even mean now? The idea of going back to my parents’ house filled me with dread. But with no money, it wasn’t like I could just get a place of my own. I could stay with Sarah for a while if I went back to Raleigh… And if I was in Raleigh, I should probably finish school. For the first time in a while, the thought of that seemed sort of appealing. Or, at least, necessary.
A small lizard scurried up beside me, completely unafraid. The mere idea of facing my failure terrified me. But being an architect was what I had always wanted. And now I had to start taking care of myself. Even if I did decide to go back—assuming they would take me back—I couldn’t start the summer session for a couple months. So, if I stayed two weeks here, I was getting closer to filling my time. I thought then of Babs, of that mountain house that sat empty and alone so very often. I was sure she would let me stay there for a bit while I got my ducks in a row.
I wondered if maybe my failure wasn’t that big a deal after all. People stumble.I will get back up, I decided, as I, literally, got back up.
As the sun glinted on the water, I felt lighter somehow. Walkingdown the mountain, I felt better than I had in a while. I was going through a transition phase in my life, but wasn’t that normal? I could salvage things; I could get back on track.
Back at the resort, Trav had pulled his hair into a bun and was wiping his face with a towel. He was sitting at the end of the dock, and I sat down beside him. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look at me.
“I’ll do it,” I said. “If it’s really okay, I’ll stay for two more weeks.”
Trav smiled. “Excellent. It’s just two classes a day. I’ll send over the schedule.” He turned back toward the water and said, “Then what?”
I smiled because, for the first time, I was finally okay with not knowing.
Back in my room a few minutes later, I sat down at the dark-stained mahogany desk by the window and pulled out a postcard that had a picture of the sun setting behind the mountain I had just climbed that morning. I wrote:
Dear Babs,
I’m staying for two more weeks. Can you believe it? Teaching paddleboard yoga, clearing my head, figuring out my next steps. But I’d also really love your advice… Speaking of, how would you feel about a trip to Asheville? We could eat at all our favorite restaurants and visit our favorite place? And maybe… I could stay for a bit? Either way, see you soon!
