So instead, I will focus on making my poor, shell-shocked husband deposit his sperm on the way to my surgery. Because I will beat this. I will win. And when I do, we will be so happy to have these beautiful embryos waiting to become babies, ready for us to hold them in our arms.
AmeliaGLORY DAYS
I DIDN’T CONSIDER MYSELF THEkind of girl who runs home to her mother, but as soon as I left that doctor’s office, I wasn’t able to control my urge to buy a plane ticket home. Maybe I needed something familiar to anchor me back to earth, or maybe I wanted to get the unpleasantness of telling my family over with.
After a sleepless night in a hotel that was quite luxurious but left me feeling even lonelier, I boarded a plane home that early morning, sunglasses over my eyes, which were swollen and blurry from crying and lack of sleep. As I shoved my carry-on into the overhead compartment, a simpledingon my phone—a reminder of Martin’s birthday party—sent me back into sobs, prompting the woman in front of me to look at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. Thad and I loved Martin’s birthday parties. And Martin wasmyfriend. I got to keep him in the divorce.
I wanted to tell Martin so, but I couldn’t risk anyone knowing what was going on until I told my parents. They were going to be outraged and devastated; the last thing I needed was for them to hear the news from someone else first.
I sat down in my window seat in the very last row of the plane, the only seat available so last-minute. I pulled out my phone and texted Nanette, my editor.So sorry, N. I can’t make it in today. Major emergency. Flying home to Cape Carolina. I will fill you in on all when I get back.
Typing bubbles appeared immediately, followed by Nanette’s response:Oh no, babe. You okay? Can I help? Anything you need. Take as much time as you want. I’m here for you.
I knew she was. I also knew she was panicking because we were supposed to be putting the December issue ofClematisto bed today, and while Nanette had the technical skills and know-how to do it herself, she depended on me, her managing editor, the deputy to her sheriff, for far more than I thought she even realized.
I tapped my thumb on the group text my oldest friends, Sarah, Jennifer, and Madison, kept going at all times. We had grown up together, and the three of them had returned to Cape Carolina. I was the only outlier who had moved away for good. I wanted to tell them. Ineededto tell them—at least that I was coming home, if not the reason why. But I couldn’t quite bring myself to do it yet.
As I leaned my head against the plane window, watching Palm Beach become smaller and smaller and then fade towhite, I couldn’t think about next steps. All I could think about was how to tell my mother. My mother loved me more than anything, but she also had ideas about how my life was going to turn out. I thought she would be disappointed in me. My divorce was a mark on her sterling reputation.
But then I had a thought that neither consoled me nor made me feel worse: Thad had never really been mine. I had been a part of a life he was trying to live, a pawn in a game that he had tried to play and lost. A tiny part of me pitied him, felt sad he had spent years living a life that must have felt like it was the wrong size and color. But I think what worried me most of all was that I really, truly hadn’t known.
In fact, I used to feel sorry for my friends. Their marriages were soboring. Thad and I went dancing, we took art classes, we traveled on a whim, we laughed all the time. I couldn’t reconcile how the man who told me how beautiful I was, who looked at me with pure admiration, was the one who had betrayed me.
Thad had called and texted me no fewer than twenty-five times. I didn’t want to read his texts, but I couldn’t help it. The last one was a gut punch.Amelia, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.
It was a relief. I hadn’t been that stupid. Thad and I did have real love. It was just the lust part that was missing. I’ll admit that we hadn’t had a hot and steamy sex life. Maybe it wasn’t as good as our conversations over coffee about the art opening we’d gone to the night before or our long, rambling walks through Palm Beach’s elite neighborhoods, where Thadwould have me in stitches over his renditions of the secret lives behind those bougainvillea walls.
I reasoned that a girl can’t have everything. While my friends complained about their husbands not wanting to take them out or go on vacations or watch Bravo, my small concern seemed paltry. Thad and I had fun. We had love. The lust would be gone eventually anyway, I justified. I was married to my best friend.
I fell asleep, my face pressed against the plastic window, jolting awake when the plane touched down. Shocked that I’d slept through the entire flight, I powered my phone up, and, momentarily forgetting what had transpired, I, out of habit, said sleepily, “Hey, Siri, text Thad.Landed.”
My phone rang, and I immediately realized my mistake. This was going to take some getting used to. “Thad,” I said quietly. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Oh, Amelia,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you. I swear I was.”
“But it never seemed like the right time to destroy my entire life?” I responded angrily.
“Let’s talk about this,” he said.
“I can’t. I have to go ruin my parents’ lives now, too.”
“Amelia,” he said sadly. “I do love you. I swear I do. I wanted to be different for you. I tried.”
“Do not make me feel sorry for you, Thad,” I said softly, knowing he was telling the truth. “I can’t go there yet.”
“Okay,” he whispered. “Please just promise you’ll call me. Please, Amelia.” Then he added, “I miss you already.”
I wanted to say something sarcastic like,Well, I’m sure Chase will soothe your hurt feelings, but I could tell he meant it. For a brief moment, I thought maybe we could move forward in a different way. But no. I didn’t want to live a lie. I felt like all the blood was draining out of my body into my feet. I was light-headed from a sorrow so deep tears felt too ordinary, too trite.
“I’ll let you know when I get back,” I said noncommittally. “But I’m not sure I can be around you right now.”
“I understand,” he said softly. “But please call me if you need me. Please let me know if I can help.” He paused. “I really am sorry,” he added one more time. “I didn’t want to lose you, and that was selfish.”
“Goodbye, Thad,” I said, his name foreign in my mouth. It wasn’t aBye for now!or aSee you next week!It was goodbye. For good.
After leaning on my carry-on in the cramped aisle of the plane for an interminably long time, I walked down the steps and onto the tarmac, wrapping my sweater tighter around me. The two-gate airport was small, clean, bright, and lovely in every way. Home.
Remembering I still had Thad’s credit card, I charged a rental Mercedes convertible that he couldn’t afford and, with Taylor Swift blaring over the Bluetooth, put the top down and cranked the heat. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I felt free. With the wind in my hair and water all around me, maybe I would be okay.
