I nodded, trying to hide my smile. I had never seen a grown man love his grandmother so much.
“She wanted me to stay married to you,” he went on. “Maybe have Chase on the side. And, at the time, she convinced me that everyone would be happy. Kitty would be happy because I would appear to be what she wanted. You would be happy because we weren’t divorced. Chase would be happy because nothing would change.” He shook his head. “About an hour after you left, I realized how ridiculous that was. Everyone wouldn’t be happy. No one would be.”
I reached over and squeezed his hand. I could tell this washard for him. “How are things with Kitty now?” I practically whispered. I knew that losing her might be even harder for Thad than losing me.
“She is happy, happy, happy.” He paused and looked at me intently. “Her friends accepted Chase and me right into the fold, and, well, she’s also thrilled because we’re adopting a baby.”
I almost spit out my Eloise martini.
Then he added, “Well, no. Not a baby, probably. Maybe a toddler or a teenager or anything in between. We don’t know.”
I shook my head about a million times. So. Many. Questions. First: “I thought you didn’t want kids. We talked about how we didn’t want kids like a million times. Hell, I wrote an entireNew York Timespiece about it.”
A reasonable person would have realized that Thad’s being gay was why he left me. But in five seconds flat, I had spiraled down into a place where he had left me because I couldn’t have children. It was ridiculous, obviously. We could have adopted or a million other options. But in that moment, no one on earth could have convinced me otherwise. It irritated me. Hadn’t I made my peace with this like twenty years ago, realized that a biological function didn’t define me?
“I know. I didn’t think I did. But Chase really does, and the more we talked about it, the more I realized that this was a new chapter for me and what I wanted had changed.”
“Well, that’s obvious,” I said more snarkily than I had meant to, but damn. I signaled to the bartender that I neededanother. “And Chase? Really? I thought Chase didn’t know we were married. I thought Chase was mad.”
Thad scrunched his nose. “Well, I think Chase was a little bit worried about losing all his clients who were team Amelia.”
“Traitor,” I whispered as the bartender inserted another glass into my hand. We were speaking the same language here. “Unbelievable.”
I felt like I was in the ocean, trying to get out past the breakers, but the waves kept hitting me in the face, knocking me to the sandy ocean floor. Every time I got my bearings and tried to swim again, another one just toppled me.
“Amelia, I didn’t want to hurt you, but I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”
I realized I was a teeny-tiny bit drunk. And I suddenly felt incredibly tired. I knew tonight was going to end in a giant emotional scene, and Martin seemed like a better person to fall apart with than Harris, so I texted Harris.I’m not really feeling up to a party tonight. Rain check?
He texted back immediately.I’ll send the car to get you, and we can order in.
That didn’t solve the problem, but I really wanted to see him. Surely I could do that without making any stupid remarks or decisions. Plus, my little double bed in our lipsticked apartment was cute, but Harris’s giant, plush, king-sized mattress with its ten million thread count sheets and remote-control blackout shades and meditative surround sleep sounds were impossible to resist. I put my glass down, looked at the bartender, and said, “Don’t give me any more alcohol, no matterhow hard I beg.” He laughed, and a water appeared seconds later.
I looked at Thad. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to you right now.”
“Well,” he said, looking down at his lap, “I guess I was hoping you’d be happy for me?”
I could feel the amazement written all over my face. “Okay. Yeah. Sure. I’m happy for you.” I paused. “No. I tell you what: I am happy for the kid, because every child deserves a great home, and you will be a fantastic father. But I am not quite happy foryou. Not yet.”
I got up and walked out, feeling only a tiny bit hazy, with Thad calling behind me. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do, but Harris’s car was already waiting for me on the curb. As I slid into the back seat and said, “Hi, Tom. Thanks for getting me,” I could feel tears sliding down my cheeks. I wasn’t so much sad as I was furious. I felt betrayed, like he’d known I had this one huge insecurity—that I couldn’t have children, which I had proven quite handily this year. And now he was rubbing it in my face. I tried to make small talk with Tom and seem normal, but it was pretty impossible to seem normal in front of Harris when I arrived with my tearstained face and shaking voice.
And as he pulled me into him, making me feel so safe and secure and happy, I couldn’t help but fall apart. Maybe I hadn’t done that enough over these past months. But, boy, did I ever do it then. I fell apart about my marriage and my family’s disappointment and not having Parker’s babies andbreaking his heart all over again and breaking my own and knowing that, as much as I tried to push it away, I felt something for him that he could never feel for me. (I didn’t say that to Harris, obviously.) And I hated myself the entire time becausethiswas what I had been trying to avoid. I liked Harris. He was handsome and laid-back, and, when we were together, I was the cool girl who didn’t have to talk about the future or “what we were.” Now I was ruining that with all these emotions.
Despite my better judgment, I allowed a rich, expensive cabernet to soothe my hurt feelings when Harris handed it to me. And when “Moon River” came on and I said I loved that song, I let Harris fold me into his arms and lead me around his kitchen-turned-dance floor, feeling so in sync with him that when he changed the foot he was leading with I didn’t even step on his toes. And I ate a delicious, thick steak, which made me feel full and warm and soothed inside. Sitting on Harris’s plush couch with a bottled water, the roaring fire feeling warm and good even though it was hot outside, I caught myself off guard saying, “I just want to stay right here forever.”
He shocked me by saying, “I wish you would.”
I looked at him wide-eyed, my buzz wearing off. I didn’t want to make too big a thing of it, so I laughed casually.
And he said, “No, really. I’ve been thinking about it. I know it’s early, but I want you to move in. Here.”
The vulnerable part of me wanted to eagerly take the bait that had been offered. But something was holding me back.
“After my giant scene, you still want me to move in with you?”
He laughed. “Ifthatwas your idea of a major scene, then yes, I want you to move in with me even more.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said.
