I shook my head. “Oh, no. Never. I decorated that house for us. That’sourhouse.”
He nodded. “Great. Then we’ll keep them both. Got it.”
I smiled. “What would you think about my letting Sloane and Adam live in my house? They can’t stay at Caroline and James’s forever.”
Jack nodded slowly. “That’s a great idea. But I think you should let them pay you rent. Adam won’t like it if you don’t, and the store is doing really well. We’re finally in the black.”
Jack leaned over and picked up a half-rotten crab apple from the ground. Then, running away from me, he called, “Hey, AJ. Catch!”
I walked to Kimmy, where she was fussing over a patch of kale. Greens grew well in our soil. It was one of the few things she didn’t grow hydroponically.
“You should keep bringing the boys out here,” Kimmy said. “I let them plant some seeds today, and I want to let them watch them grow.” She paused. “It’s the best way I know of to teach kids about God.”
I was shocked, and I was sure my face didn’t disguise that well. I couldn’t imagine that Kimmy, who barely smiled and grew weed in her spare time, was religious.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s not what I expected from you.”
“Ansley,” she said, flashing me a rare smile, “you can’t do what I do day after day—watch beautiful things come from the earth—and not believe in God. It’s impossible. You know?”
I nodded, though I didn’t know. Well, I mean, I had known before, at one time or another. I could remember those days in the church pew, feeling like God’s favor must be on me. Three little heads adorned with bows. One handsome husband. We hadn’t gotten to that place in the conventional way, but we had gotten there. And then that life imploded. Or maybe it exploded, in grand fashion. I had spent years thinking that maybe I had gotten what I deserved, that maybe this was God’s way of punishing me for what I had done.
But maybe it wasn’t a punishment, not really. Maybe it was just life, one of those classic cases where bad things happen. Maybe, I had to consider, watching Jack chase after our grandsons, listening to Taylor’s happy squeals as Jack threw him over his shoulder, I had focused so much on the bad that I had forgotten to see all the good.
Carter had died tragically, yes. But I had found love again. Adam was MIA, but he had come home. James had cheated on Caroline, but I’d dare to say they were perhaps getting along better than ever.
So maybe the good was the thing to look for; maybe I didn’t have to spend so much energy focusing on the bad. Because maybe it was like my mom always said, that it was all being woven together in the perfect way.
Two days later, standing in a delivery room for the birth of my fifth grandchild, I couldn’t help but believe that was true. I had never seen my daughter happier. I had never seen Kyle happier. And I was pretty sure I had never been happier, either. As Kyle handed my new perfect granddaughter to me, I gasped. Her full lips, her brow line, the shape of her eyes—she looked like her grandfather. She looked like Carter.
I was trying to keep it together, but then Emerson said, “Mom, we’re going to name her Carter Ansley.”
With that, I could feel the tears streaming down my face. Because although Carter was gone and would never know his grandchildren, this little girl—this perfect angel—was his legacy. She was one-fourth of him, and he would live on in her forever.
“Oh, honey,” I said. “That is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.”
As Jack walked into the room, he smiled but didn’t say a word. “This is Carter,” I whispered as I handed her to him.
He looked down at her and whispered, “Hi, Carter,” as Kyle walked over and put his arm around me and kissed my cheek.
“She’s more than I deserve,” Kyle said.
“Carter?” I asked.
“I meant Emerson, but yes, of course, Carter, too.” He paused. “I know you hate surprises, but you have to admit that this was a damn good one.”
I had to admit that it was.
Jack looked up at me and smiled. “Now I see what all the fuss is about. Do they all smell this good?”
I laughed as Sloane and Caroline walked through the door along with AJ, Taylor, Vivi, and Preston to introduce them to their new cousin. I thought I might burst with pride. Here they were. All of them. My family. The only person missing was my first husband, the one who would have loved this moment perhaps more than anyone else. But I had to think that maybe he was here, too, that maybe he was even the one who’d sent baby Carter to us in the first place. I knew already that her birth would help to heal us all.
My relationships with my girls still weren’t perfect after the tumult of the year we had been through together. But they were almost back to normal. No, not just normal. Better than before, stronger than before. And I understood now that the things I thought would break me didn’t break me at all. In fact, they made me who I am.
As Jack handed baby Carter back to Emerson, he took my hand and squeezed it. And I realized that despite what I had believed, sometimes life gives you a second chance. It might take sixteen years, but it does. And when it does, don’t do what I did. Don’t drag your feet; don’t give it the opportunity to slip away. Grab it. And then hold on for dear life.
FORTY-TWO
emerson: hope
