“A new Starlite Starlet?” I asked, looking down into my cup. I knew I was opening a door that had been locked tight between us, one that had been barricaded since I first saw Kyle back in Peachtree Bluff. I knew it, but I did it anyway. Impulse control has never been my strong suit.
The look that passed over Kyle’s face said,You remember, even though he hadn’t said a word. But he smiled at me and leaned a little closer. “You know the thing about the Starlite Starlet?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Please enlighten me.”
It nearly took my breath away when he said, “Its roots will always be in Peachtree. But the Starlite Starlet belongs in LA.”
THE THING ABOUT MARK, the thing that kept us together, was that we might have fought, but we were always quick to make up. We had an unofficial system. One time I would apologize first, the next time he would.
Today it was my turn, I realized with disdain as I swigged my second cup of coffee, unpacking boxes in the back of Mom’s store. At least I had Caroline to commiserate with. It made me a little bit happy that this was the first time in, well, twenty-six years that I had seen her looking something less than perfect. I mean, she was still gorgeous. But the lack of sleep was written all over her face.
I let out a low, frustrated groan as I slid the box cutter over a container of candles.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Caroline asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No.” I paused. “I don’twantto talk about it, but he’s such a nightmare. Why does he act like this? I mean, his mother has to move here because I’m going to be an unfit mother traveling around? No one calls Angelina Jolie an unfit mother. No one shames Sandra Bullock. Actresses have been mothering and working since the beginning of time.” I looked around to make sure no one could hear me and whispered, “And he knows how scared I am that I may not be able to have children. So that was the lowest blow I could think of.”
Caroline shot me that look I hated, the one that questioned whether I was doing the right thing. “Look,” she whispered, “I’m not kidding you. If you don’t call and get those test results, I will pretend I’m you, and I will do it myself. Do you hear me?”
I did hear her, but I wanted to pretend I didn’t. I wanted to pretend none of this was happening to me, that I was fine and dandy. If I called, they might say I was OK. But they also might say that I did have aplastic anemia as they feared—or potentially something even worse. And then I’d have to face it. I’d have to deal with it. I’d have to tell Mom.
“I mean, I don’t understand why he’s so unflinching on the move,” I said, changing the subject. “He is filthy, dirty rich. He could sell that business and be even filthier, dirtier richer. I just don’t understand why he won’t.”
“I think that’s the root of your problem,” Caroline finally said.
“That Mark is rich?”
“No,” she said, setting her box on the floor and leaning back on her hands. “The fact that once you marry him, you don’thaveto work, because you don’t have to make money. I think when men have money, they assume their wives will jump at the opportunity to stay home. But you want your own identity, and I think that scares him. Or at least threatens the picture he sees of his future.”
That kind of made sense. But when had I not been Mark’s future? We’d been together all of high school, he had barely dated when he was in college, and now here we were again. Surely he recognized that I was never, ever going to be a stay-at-home mom or wife. But maybe that was the problem. I was the woman he wanted, and he was the man I wanted. But what we wanted out of life were two very different things.
“You don’t need to work, and you don’t need money, but James is thrilled that you’re working for Mom,” I said.
“Honey,” Caroline said, rolling her eyes, “James left me for Edie Fitzgerald, shamed the hell out of me, and then came crawling back. If I decided to shave my head and join the Peace Corps, he would act thrilled. He is on really, really thin ice.”
I nodded. My head was pounding again. This was supposed to bemytherapy session, but the exhaustion and severe hangover had made Caroline somewhat vulnerable. She never wanted to talk about herself, but I felt like it was now or never.
“Car, are you happy?”
She shrugged. “What’s happy, really? I mean, I love my job, I adore my children, my family is together.” She paused. “Iwashappy. I was so, so happy. I can only hope that I can get back to that.”
“And if you don’t...”
She looked at me sadly. “If I don’t, then I will have to make some changes.”
“You’ll leave him?” I whispered.
Caroline cocked her head to the side. “I won’t spend my life miserable.” She smiled at me. “I have a lot to offer, and I won’t be taken for granted again.”
I smiled back at her. No one wanted her sister to deal with the hell of a divorce. But I also couldn’t stand the thought of my sister, my strong, brave, stand-on-her-own-two-feet sister, living a life where she felt trapped.
“Good. I can’t stand the thought of you being miserable.”
“Hey, Em, back at you.” She raised her eyebrows.
“I’m not miserable,” I protested. I mean, at least I thought I wasn’t miserable. I loved Mark. That was all that mattered. Wasn’t it?
“I know I’m extra-sensitive right now because of what I’m dealing with, but please don’t lose yourself, Emerson. If you want a different life, then by all means, have a different life. Plunge into it headfirst. Sit on the deck and eat bonbons. I don’t care what you do. I just don’t want you to be unhappy. It’s not worth it.” Then she groaned. “Just like all those martinis last night. I am never drinking again. Ever.”
