Caroline eyed Mom warily as she came up the steps. “Where have you been?”
Emerson raised her eyebrow at me. I had always been so jealous that she could raise one eyebrow, while mine seemed to be attached as though connected by a long string.
Mom crossed her arms. “I was up working out early, you’ll be happy to know.”
Caroline gave her the up-and-down and said, “Uh-huh. Likely story.”
Mom rolled her eyes. “I thought you would be proud.”
“Oh, I don’t think she doubts you were getting exercise, Mom,” Emerson said. “I think she’s questioning where you were exercising and with whom.”
“Gross, Emerson,” I said.
Mom was predictably beet red now. “Emerson!” she scolded as Caroline was simultaneously saying, “Emerson, gross!”
Now it was Emerson’s turn to roll her eyes. “You are all such prudes.”
Mom was holding a box in her hands, and I noticed she looked very teary. “What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a box from Grammy,” she said, sniffing. “There’s a letter and a piece of jewelry for each of you.”
“I miss her so much already,” Caroline said, wiping her eyes. “What are we going to do?”
I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. We all sat down on the floor, in a haphazard circle, and Mom handed us each a letter and a box.
I did a double take because I noticed Mom was wearing an engagement ring. But it was on her right hand, and it was definitely my grandmother’s.
Breaking the tension, Caroline pointed to Mom’s hand and said, “So what you’re saying is I’m not getting Grammy’s big diamond?”
We all chuckled through our tears, as the giant diamond James had given her twinkled on her right hand, and Emerson said, “It’s a shame, really. You needed a big diamond.”
I took a deep breath as I opened my envelope to find a letter in my grandmother’s handwriting.
My dearest Sloane,
How I wish I didn’t have to leave you now and add to your sadness and turmoil when your life is so up in the air. But life seldom delivers what we wish. What I want you to know, my darling girl, is I see in you a quiet strength that will deliver you through whatever battles life throws your way. You are an incredible talent and a terrific mother, and you possess the kind of loyalty and character not often seen in the world today.
I believe in you, Sloane. I believe in you and the power of your dreams and the strength of your conviction. I want you to know that no matter what happens down there, I am up here fighting for you. I hope you feel that. I want you to feel that. And, in case you can’t, I left you something that might help. I miss you already, sweet Sloane, and I’m not even gone yet. I miss you. But I will always be with you.
All my love,
Grammy
I WAS, NEEDLESS TOsay, a total mess, as were my sisters and my mom. I could barely see as I opened the box, but I didn’t really need to because it was a piece I knew well. Grammy’s wide gold bangle with her hand-engraved monogram on the front was in a nest of cotton, waiting for me. She wore that bracelet every day. And now I would. I couldn’t have imagined a better gift.
I knew I would do what Grammy said. I knew I would be strong. But I didn’t like the feeling—one I had for the first time in months—that it was perhaps possible that someday soon, I could be mourning in this same way, only much deeper, for the man I loved with all my heart.
THIRTY-FOUR
first loves
ansley
When I found out I was pregnant with Caroline, it had been difficult to tell Jack good-bye. When I found out I was pregnant with Sloane, it had been inconceivable. Telling him good-bye felt like telling my heart to stop pumping blood. How could I live without him? How could I continue with my life, put one foot in front of the other, make beds, and brush tiny teeth like nothing had ever happened? When I found out I was pregnant with Caroline, I had felt myself slipping back into something with Jack. When I found out I was pregnant with Sloane, I had already fallen.
Our weekends together had become all I could think about, though I feel like I did a good job pretending our life at home was business as usual. And the strange part was that I still loved Carter. I still looked forward to his coming home at night and kissing him good-bye in the morning. I still loved the way he held my hand, the way his arm felt around my shoulder, the way Caroline squealed when he tossed her into the air. I knew with everything inside of me he was the man I was supposed to be with.
I had tossed and turned, my stomach in knots, the nausea more from having to tell Jack good-bye than from the morning sickness. This was a man whose kiss I would lie awake in bed at night craving, a man whose arms around me felt so right and so natural that I couldn’t imagine I had ever let them go. But, at the same time, I knew how incomplete my life would have been without children, children Jack didn’t want. So I knew I had made the right choice.
