Gage choked on the words. He couldn’t say yes, but he couldn’t say no. Whatever he was feeling, it was a lot. It was intense. And he was terrified he still wasn’t ready for it.
“Sorry if I’m being too much,” Lucas said quietly, his hands falling.
Gage shot to his feet and walked over, throwing his arms around his friend. He nestled close and set his cheek on the top of Lucas’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “Can you just hug me for a second?”
“Oh shit,” Lucas said as he tightened his grip on his best friend. “You’ve got it bad.”
“It’s so bad. I’ve been having panic attacks,” Gage admitted. They were small ones. He didn’t even notice what they were until he brought them up to his therapist. “Not the big, scary ones where I think I’m dying. It’s more…dissociation and this feeling like…like I’m afraid. I don’t know.”
“I get it,” Lucas said. He started rocking again, taking Gage with him, and it felt nice. “Trust me, I get it.”
Gage squeezed his eyes shut as he was swayed back and forth. “I need to ask you something.”
“Anything.”
He stilled Lucas, then pulled back and took his hands. That was their way of eye contact. “Charlie?—”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” Lucas said stiffly.
“Yeah, I know. But Fallon’s going to have his kid. I mean, it won’t behiskid. Fallon doesn’t even want to tell him. But you’re going to be this baby’s uncle.”
Lucas swallowed heavily. “Oh shit. I am.”
“Yeah. I mean, you and Frankie are basically married. That’s not going to change. And Fallon hasn’t said anything, but he’shad nightmares about all of this, and I think…I think I just need to know—to prepare—if the idea of this baby being, you know, genetically part of him is going to affect your ability to care about them.”
“Dude.No.” Lucas took his hands back and rubbed at his eyelids the way he always did when he was nervous or upset. “I’m not going to blame ababyfor their genetics. I know you never met my other shit-for-brains dad, but I know how it is to be related to someone who sucks.”
Gage hadn’t thought about that. Jan had been long gone and never really tried to contact Lucas or Bronx ever again. Sometimes Gage forgot Monty hadn’t been around the entire time. Sometimes he forgot Lucas had a whole entire life before they met.
“Sorry. I think I’m overthinking things on Fallon’s behalf.”
“Yeah. You do that when you’re deflecting.”
“I am not?—”
“You are. Shit, I can’t believe you’re involved at all,” Lucas said, throwing his hands up. “I mean, you were just horrifically traumatized by two assholes who tried to pin their baby on you to extort money. And now you’re swooping in to father someone else’s baby?”
“I’m not…it’s not like that. I’m being a friend,” Gage said, but the shape of those words on his tongue felt like a lie. Not because Fallon had asked him to step in and play dad to the baby, but because Gage wanted to.
Because Gage wanted him.
Because…because maybe he wanted a moment like this where he could choose to have a family instead of it being forced on him.
“I think I am in love with him,” he admitted very softly.
Lucas snorted, clearly holding back a laugh.
“Fuck you, dude. I’m pouring my heart out here.”
Lucas took in a shaking breath. “I know. I know. It’s just…you’re so cute when you’re lying to yourself, but you’re even cuter when you realize you can’t lie to me.”
“I’m flipping you off,” Gage said, but he didn’t bother to lift his hand.
Lucas’s grin widened. “You really have it bad.”
“I do. And I don’t know if Fallon actually wants that from me. We…we’re close. Really close.”
“No deets, dude. That’s my brother-in-law.”
