I buried my nose in Rene’s hair, breathing deeply.
“How did Blair die?” Rene asked, his voice—soft and sleepy and relaxed now—somehow taking the bite out of the question.
“It was a car accident,” I said, closing my eyes and holding him close. “My fault.”
Rene made a sympathetic sound. “You were driving?”
“No.” Worse. Blair had been on his own. “I liked to spoil him. I bought him a car. One he’d had his eye on.”
A Porsche Boxster. He’d practically drooled over the sleek little convertible, but I should have hired him a full-time driver instead. Or been smarter and bought him a different make or model, even though he would have whined and pouted and called me mean.
But I hadn’t.
“Blair wanted a shiny black one, and the accident was my fault, because I got it for him. If I’d at least put my foot down and chosen a different color, one that was more visible at night…”
Or something larger, something safer, a car with atopon it, for Christ’s sake.
My throat closed up. I hadn’t thought of any of those safety factors at the time, only focused—as per always—on what would make my Blair’s eyes light up the most. Afterward, though, when it was too late, I’d finally done my due diligence. Researched every aspect of the accident to try and make sense of why I’d lost him. Come up with an exhaustive list of every single thing I could have done differently. All the things Ishouldhave done differently, because that had been my promise to him.
I’d said I’d always take care of him. But instead—
“I failed him.”
The words were a bitter reminder on my tongue that no matter how good Rene felt in my arms, or how well his quiet, needy nature aligned with my own, I didn’t deserve this… and even if I somehow could deserve it, I could never be trusted with it.
Not again.
Losing Blair had proventhat, once and for all.
7
Rene
I’d always knownnice things weren’t meant for me, and even though that sounded like something that could have been sad, I was just used to it. And if I wanted to look for the positive? Well, I’d known from the first time I’d seen Mr. Garrett—I mean, Edward—thathewasn’t for me. Even before I’d noticed his wedding ring, that had been obvious.
Edward was too attractive, too confident, too far out of my league to ever want anything to do with a boy like me—at least, not outside of his kindness in looking out for me after the hotel room incident—but now? Knowing in advance that he’d never want me like that just meant I could listen to his amazing love story and all the ways he’d so obviously been head over heels for his perfect late husband, and just feel happy for him that he’d had all that, once.
Not spoil it by being jealous or by wishing it had been me who he’d taken one look at and then wanted to take care of forever.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. OfcourseI wished it had been me… but only in the same way I’d wish any of the happily ever afters I read about were me. It was just nice to think about, not something I expected to ever happen. Obviously not with Edward, no matter how shamelessly I’d moved onto his lap—the dark, for once, my friend instead of my foe as long as Edward’s arms were around me.
And I definitely wasn’t expecting to find it with Daryl.
I knew I still had to go meet him tomorrow, because I’d promised and he was expecting me and we’d talked so much online, but somehow, I just couldn’t get as excited or feel all that hopeful about where things with Daryl might lead.
Not after meeting Edward.
That was something to worry about in the morning, though. Right now, my heart was too busy hurting for him.
ForEdward.
The perfect Daddy, who didn’t even know it.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said, tugging his face down and dropping Teddy so I could hold Edward steady, the soft rasp of his late-night stubble against my palms sending shivery feelings through me that I did my best to ignore. “You know that, right? Deep down inside?”
He didn’t, though. I could tell. This close, with a little light from the window, I could see him well enough, and I hoped he could see me, too. Because there was a lot I didn’t know and plenty I’d never done, but this? Iknewthis. I knew it to my bones.
“Edward,” I said when he didn’t immediately agree with me. “It wasnotyour fault. You weren’t even there. And sometimes,mostof the time, bad stuff just happens. It’s no one’s fault, even when it’s horrible, or really, really hard, or… or breaks your heart.”
