I’d tried to keep my restless tossing and turning to a minimum, to give Rene some space and hopefully some peace, but instead of relaxing under cover of darkness, his frozen stillness only became worse the longer we both lay in silence.
I hadn’t fully drawn the blinds, so the room wasn’t so dark that I couldn’t see the shape of him huddled on the bed. And yes, I may have been the one who’d fucked up tonight, but even though exhaustion had hit me like a wrecking ball again, I couldn’t close my eyes—I physicallycouldn’t—until I saw for myself that he was okay.
Or at least, asleep.
Except… that didn’t happen.
I waited, forcing my own breath into a steady, even pattern in the hope that hearing that would help him, and itstilldidn’t happen.
And then, after the digital clock next to the bed had ticked away so much time that I started to worry his unnatural stillness would cause a cramp, he made the smallest of sounds, and somehow curled in on himself even tighter.
I didn’t know what was wrong—was it me?—and worse, I didn’t know how to make it right.
If it had been Blair…
But, it wasn’t. And if it had been, this never would have happened because Blair hadn’t spent a single night outside the safety of my arms in the entire fifteen years we were together. That wasn’t an option here, obviously, but Renehadasked me to take charge for the night.
I let out a shuddering breath, watching him tense at the sound. I’d promised him whatever he needed, and then, when he’d asked, I’d done a piss-poor job of it, leaving him in distress like this just because I couldn’t get my shit together.
I couldn’t go back and do better—and didn’tthatfeel like a truth I’d been avoiding for five years—but I could at least do betternow.
I pushed aside the relentless, familiar weight of my guilt over Blair, who I couldn’t do anything for anymore, and focused on Rene, who needed me here and now.
I remembered seeing his backpack in the bathroom. The flap had been left open, and of course I hadn’t pried, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t seen.
Taking a chance and going with my instincts, I slipped off the cot and padded in to retrieve what Rene had left there, then brought it to him, kneeling by the bed.
His eyes were open wide and tracking me, the whites clearly visible in the little bit of light that leaked in through the crack in the blinds, and I wondered if he’d closed them at all.
“Do you need this, baby?” I asked softly, holding out the threadbare toy as a small part of me wondered if I was way off base here.
I didn’t think so, though. Not when he’d chosen to bring it to the hotel with him in the first place.
“Teddy,” he whispered, his hand darting out to capture the soft toy. He clutched it against his chest, his body visibly relaxing. “Thank you.”
Satisfaction swelled inside me, but then—
“Just… please don’t be mean about it, okay?” he begged. “If you’re not into Littles?”
“Into little what?” I asked, my brow crinkling in confusion. But then I shook my head before he could answer, smoothing his hair back again and this time, letting my hand stay there. “I would never be mean to you, Rene. I couldn’t. And there’s no shame in needing something for comfort. Are you—” I took a shot, the sense of familiarity clicking into place, “—scared of the dark?”
For a moment, he tensed up again, but then he nodded, just a single short chin jerk.
I reached for the lamp.
“No, don’t,” he said, grabbing my wrist before I could turn it on. “I mean, thank you, but not yet? Just… when you leave, if you don’t mind.”
Everything inside me rebelled. I wasn’t leaving him.
Oh, he meant to go back to the cot.
“You want me to sit here with you, sweetheart?” I guessed, already knowing my knees would hate me in the morning and giving no fucks at all.
He nodded again.
“Until you fall asleep?”
Another nod.
