“I think we’re both scared.”
Turning my face, I kiss her palm. “Let’s eat.”
I think we’re both appreciative of the change in atmosphere. It’s almost too heavy between us at times. A small part of me worries that it’s simple sexual tension, which will disappear after we’ve slept together again.
“Who do you owe for this impressive spread?” she asks.
I launch into the story of how I set it up and who I owe my firstborn child to. We laugh easily with each other and continue to talk.
Somehow we get on to the subject of families, which instantly transports me back to the car crash of a phone call with my mum.
Maybe I should spill the beans now and give her an early out. My parents are enough to break the hardiest of romantics.
“I called my mum the other day,” I start because there is no easy way to slide into this particular conversation. “She immediately went on a rant about my dad.”
“They really don’t like each other, huh?”
“Nope.” I laugh. “But this time I kind of shouted at her.”
“Meaning?”
Blowing out a breath, I look at the sky. It’s calming to stare into the inky pool that is our universe. Humbling, I suppose.
“I can’t remember the last time Mum or Dad asked me about me, or my life. I’m just their sounding board for nasty comments and bitter memories. I…I wanted to tell her I’d met you. Maybe talk about my job and what I was thinking regarding my future. You know, regular parent-child kind of things. But as usual she went into a diatribe of how terrible my dad is. I just lost it. I mean, am I not enough for her to take a few minutes out of the day to listen to? Doesn’t she get what it’s done to me, us?”
“I can’t imagine how hard that’s been for you, River.”
Looking from the sky to Cleo, I smile. “For so long I thought I was over it. I’d done a great job of burying it all away.”
“Which is why you only did surface level intimacy, right?”
“Of course.” I laugh. “I’m not daft. I know why I acted the way I did in the past, but what I hadn’t worked out was how I shouldn’t have had to realise any of it. Do you know what I mean?”
She nods. “Yes, I think so. I mean dealing with your parents at each other’s throats when they were together is one thing. But continuing to deal with them after they’d separated…no, it’s too much.”
“I should have dealt with the situation, dealt with my parents. Every phone call was another trip down the nightmare that was my childhood, and all the calls ever did was reinforce this behaviour I adopted. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my life away from home. Now, I wonder if it’s time to expect more from myself.”
“Only you can know that, River.”
“I do know. I’ve never thought so hard in my life as I have these past few days.” I shrug. “Am I wrong to believe in this, Cleo?”
“Us?”
I nod.
“No, I don’t think you are.”
“I want you to understand what being with me entails, beyond the obvious.”
“Your family?” she asks.
“Yup. I don’t see them often but I can’t cut them off. I’m hoping the conversation with my mum had an impact.”
Cleo scoots closer. “My family aren’t saints either, River. We both have complicated histories, and we’ll eventually have to deal with them. But let’s not pile on so much, huh? One step at a time, but please know that doesn’t mean I’m not looking at our future. I just don’t want to overwhelm what we’re building.”
“You’re right, I just wanted to be open with you. Communication is key, right?”
She almost blinds me with her smile.
