I said, “The party crashers—”
“Two of them. A lounge lizard and a floozy with blue hair and a Pillsbury Doughboy face. Clearly neither of them was one ofus.Shelet them in, the layout of that hideous dump, it was impossible to monitor. All the cars jamming up on Benedict—have you seen the place?”
“I have.”
“Vulgar. The interior was gloomy and the outside lighting skimpy. Lesson learned, next year we’ll be using one of our members’ manses in the Palisades designed by Wallace Neff. Wesley and Denise have their own personal vineyard and we’ll be tasting their private reserves—try the bleu, Doctor. It really is yum.”
She watched with satisfaction as I obliged. After swallowing the dry morsel, I said, “This orgy—”
Jane Leavitt’s eyes danced with merriment. “I suppose I must get into details.”
She took her time selecting a macadamia nut from a bowl, bit it in half, and chewed one fragment thoughtfully. The other she placed on her plate.
“I discovered it by mere chance. Looking forher.She’d promised me more than enough Chardonnay and we were falling short and I wondered if it was stashed somewhere in that vault of a place.”
A tongue-tip moistened her lips. “I looked all over that dreadful property, finally spotted something going on at the back. Correction, I heard something. Such poor lighting, one couldn’t see until one got up close.”
Deep sigh. “Now you’ll want to know what I heard. All right, here goes. Grunts, gutturals, vulgar heavy breathing.” Another sigh, longer, louder. “I suppose Imustget into further details.”
“Not if it makes you uncomfortable—”
“I volunteer with cancer patients, Doctor. Nothing makes me uncomfortable.”
Another tongue flick.
“What I saw was a disgusting scene. Lounge lizard and floozy were…” She gave a limp wave. “No sense shilly-shallying, Karen’s always telling me to be direct, it’s the modern way.” Wink wink. “What Isawwas the two of them standing up and fucking like bunny rabbits.”
Moving her index finger back and forward. “They were panting like heart attack victims. His family jewels were jiggling. Then I saw it wasn’t just the two of them.Shewas kneeling behind him with her head up there like a badger nosing for bugs.”
“Candace Kierstead.”
“That’s who we’re talking about, right?” said Jane Leavitt, inching back and luxuriating in the memory. Another half a macadamia nut entered her mouth to be slowly pulverized.
“Yum. From the Big Island…where was I…oh, yes, the badger. I was at loss for words and trust me, Doctor, that doesn’t happen often. What did I do? I just stood there. Appalled. Then I told myself,Jane, leadership comes with responsibility,so I cleared my throat.”
Sitting up straighter, she demonstrated, producing the growl of a semi with a busted ignition.
“You can betthatgot their attention, Doctor. The three of them jumped up, began zipping and buttoning and straightening and whatnot.Thatwas something to see.”
Soprano laughter ended in an operatic trill.
“It could’ve been a terrible blot on my fundraiser but thank goodness no one else realized what had happened. Even, I suppose, her husband, because he was nowhere to be found. Looking back, I suppose there’s some comedy to the whole thing. But that’s memories for you. Like fine wine, they taste so much better with age.”
“Absolutely. So they all left.”
“I allowed Iguana and Pie-Face to scoot their derrieres away, but whenshetried to leave, I blocked her and gave her my blue-ribbon stare-down, Karen calls it the death ray.”
Cashmere sleeves clamped over a pigeon-chest. Her face took on the steely frown of a dyspeptic drill sergeant.
“I just stood there and dressed her down visually. She knew her goose was cooked. Finally, when she was starting to wilt, I said, ‘Go and never come back.’ And that was it.”
I thought:You have no idea.
CHAPTER
47
As four thirty p.m. rolled around, I was itching to go but Jane Leavitt said, “I’ve so enjoyed chatting with you—please enjoy more high tea.”
