“I practiced all the time.”
“But it didn’t keep her attention?”
“She loved showing me all her techniques and helping me with my paintings. But it never lasted long.” He fell silent, and the hurt of the past seemed to rise like a living phantom.
“She must have been really talented.”
“She was amazing.”
“So are you, you know. You take after her.”
“Thank you.”
Zaira could only imagine how much he’d wanted his mam’s attention and approval. Maybe that’s why Oscar hadn’t supported her painting. “Do you think Oscar got frustrated with her because he wanted her to be a better mother to you and your sister?”
“’Tis possible. But whatever the issue, he could have been a more encouraging husband.”
She waited for Bellamy to say more about it, but he lapsed into silence. Her mind turned over and over with everything he’d revealed, and she tried to fit together all the pieces. Seeing his parents’ marriage fall apart had confirmed his belief that matchmakers were unlucky in love. Now that it was his turn to get married, he was afraid of having a bad marriage for himself.
But he wasn’t destined to have a failed marriage, especially because he was aware of the unlucky streak and the need to change it. Armed with such knowledge, wouldn’t he be one step ahead of his da and the others who had come before him? Bellamy could enter his own marriage ready to work hard. He wouldn’t be leaving things to chance, would instead make the choice to have a good marriage.
Somehow she had to convince him to give marriage—maybe even give their relationship—a chance. “You can be a better husband than Oscar.”
“Rightly so. That’s why I’m needing to be careful who I choose.” His voice held a determination she hadn’t expected. “Which is why I’m taking my time and not rushing into anything.”
“Here I’ve been thinking that you just didn’t want me.” She tried to lighten her tone so she didn’t sound like shewas pushing him to admit his feelings for her. Because she wasn’t, was she?
He didn’t respond.
Maybe he didn’t want her. Then why had he kissed her the way he had? “I’m confused, Bellamy. I felt something when we kissed. You can’t deny that you did too.”
Several more heartbeats passed before he spoke. “I’m not choosing a wife based on my feelings alone. When the time comes, I’ll choose based on solid qualities.”
“And whatsolid qualitiesare you looking for in a wife?”
“We’re not meant to be together, Zaira. We may have some attraction, but it’s not enough.”
“So you’re telling me you’re physically attracted to me, but you don’t like me as a person?”
“You’re a great woman and will make some man a fine wife. I’m just looking for someone different.”
“What solid qualities am I missing?” she asked again.
He sighed with exasperation.
“What?” she persisted.
“For one thing, honesty.”
He’d already made it clear he didn’t like all the lying and the deception. And she could admit she’d easily allowed herself to become more and more deceptive, especially since she’d started trying to get published. She’d had to make up excuses and hide what she was doing from her family. Once she’d started being deceptive in one area, it had been all too easy to do so in others.
But she’d been honest with him about who she was, more so than with any other person, even Alannah. Regardless, he still found her lacking and was rejecting her. Wasn’t that ultimately what she was afraid of? Wasn’t that why she’dkept her writing a secret from her parents? Because she didn’t want to lose their approval?
She’d always felt that the ties to her family were tenuous, maybe because she was so often taken for granted or she’d had affirmation for who theywantedher to be and not who shereallywas.
If they knew about the daring and impassioned writer she was, they wouldn’t think she was so sweet anymore. What if they found her lacking and rejected her too?
“I know I’ve got an issue with honesty too, Zaira, and I’ve had a role in our deception.” His voice held regret. “Deception was a big part of my parents’ marriage, and it only tore them apart.”
