“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Salinda said, softening her expression. “I didn’t mean to make it seem that way. We just don’t have many examples of one using that magic for good. But you can choose how you use it. You may have used it for personal gain before, but there is nothing inherently wrong with that. And as you overcome your personal challenge, you’ll find other ways to use your Art, and your magic will grow stronger.”
“What do you mean by personal challenge?”
“Every witch grows their magic by overcoming challenges that are personal to them and their Art. Most often, a witch is confronted with the option of doing what feels easiest versus what feels most difficult, what goes against their base instincts. Only you will know what that challenge is, but it very well may be using your Art in a way that feels unnatural. Using it to help others instead of for personal gain.”
“Like how I want to learn magic to protect Noah? Isn’t that counter to what a narcuss would do?”
“Perhaps,” Salinda said. “Yet always question such lines of thinking. As a narcuss, it will be easy to convince yourself that what you do for personal gain is for another’s sake. I’m sure Morkai justified all his actions that way.”
Her gut turned again. Seven devils, she was right. Teryn had discovered exactly that while trapped in the crystal. How Morkai—Desmond, as he was called before he took on the new name—had originally sought answers for his father, all in the hopes that Darius would resurrect his dead mother. After Emylia died, he’d sought the power of the Morkaius so that he could eventually bring her back. Morkai had believed his dark intentions were selfless.
But…but Mareleau wasn’t like that. Was she?
“Am I being selfish for wanting to protect my son? All I want is for him to be safe.”
“Why?”
“Why? What do you meanwhy? Because I love him, that’s why. Because I want him to live a long, healthy life. Because I want to see him grow up and experience being his mother—” The words caught in her throat.
“Becauseyouwant to experience that.”
Mareleau thought she might be sick. Even her desire to protect her son ultimately came back to how it served her. Had she always been this way? Had every good feeling, every wish, every hope, been some desire born from her selfish, dark heart?—
“There is nothing wrong with wanting those things for yourself.” Salinda’s voice came out firm. “I didn’t say any of that to condemn you, only to demonstrate just how great your challenge might be. Just how subtle the divide between what you do for others and what you do for yourself. Being a narcuss does not make you evil.”
Her shoulders sank nonetheless. “What do I do then? How do I ensure I don’t end up like…likehim?”
“Seek the truth inside yourself. Question what you think you know. If you meet darkness, simply bring it to light. Acknowledge it. When you feel those selfish undercurrents running through you, admit them, then let them be. You need not outrun your nature. Just don’t let it control you. When you feel a challenge to counter your base instincts, face it. If you fail, forgive yourself and move on.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“It isn’t easy, but you’re not alone. A narcuss isn’t the only one who faces their darkest side. We all do.”
“Even you?”
“Especially me. You saw how quickly I turned my heart against someone I’ve loved my whole life.”
“You mean Ailan? That’s understandable. She lied to you. She pretended to be dying to avoid confronting the truth.” A cloud of guilt reflected back, reminding her that she could relate to Ailan’s actions. She’d pretended to be pregnant, after all.
“Perhaps, perhaps not. What matters is I saw my dark feelings, my hate, my anger, and I called them into the light. I revealed them and released them. I’m still angry and confused. I’m also hopeful that I can forgive her. It is a choice to follow the path of hope and love, even when dark feelings remain. Strength isn’t being good or perfect. It’s meeting your darkness face to face and moving forward instead of sinking into it. No matter what you find in those shadows, it is important that you love yourself.”
Love herself? She’d never had a problem putting herself first, but had she ever truly loved herself? Not especially. She was flawed and had done terrible things in the past, but…could she love those sides of her? Truly love them?
Larylis’ voice echoed through her head, warming her heart.
Someone who loved you, petals, thorns, and all.
Well, if he could love her through all her lies, schemes, and manipulations, maybe she could do the same.
She released a slow sigh. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all you ever have to do. Just try.”
Mareleau gathered Noah back into her arms and left Salinda’s tent. She hadn’t gotten the answers she’d wanted. She hadn’t learned a stitch of magic.
Yet she’d learned a little more about herself, a side she’d never known. Maybe that side of her—the side she shared with a villain she despised—could somehow prove useful in facing the villain that lay ahead.
31
