A blush rises to my cheeks as the nights I spent with Martin flood my mind. “What would you know about it? You better not have been listening. I told you to sleep elsewhere.” I try to keep my voice neutral, but there’s a note of hysteria I can’t hide. Podaxis may be my best friend, but we don’t talk about…that.
“I wasn’t listening,” he rushes to say. Then his expression takes on a dreamy quality, his tiny eyes turning down at the corners. “I stayed in Nadia’s room. Did you know she sings when she’s getting ready for bed? She has a lovely singing voice.”
I can’t help but note the wistfulness in his tone. It’s so pathetic and adorable I have to stifle a laugh. “Wait…do you fancy Nadia?”
He snaps his pincers at me. “So what if I do?”
“Nadia is human, Podaxis. I don’t think her kind thinks too highly of human-crab relations.”
“I don’t—I’m not a crab. I’m a fungus sprite.”
“Still, I think you’ll have to get over your prejudice and take seelie form if you want to impress her.”
“Prejudice! Me? I am not prejudiced. I don’t mind seelie form.”
“Then why haven’t you shifted before?”
He shakes a claw at me. “We’re getting off topic. This is about you, Maisie. You liked Martin. For two weeks, I watched you smile every time he was around. It was nice to see you smile again.”
I shake my head, trying not to remember how nice those two weeks truly were. Not that I felt anything for him. It was more that I enjoyed being so physically close to a man…and the things we did. “He’s too skinny. I like my men with some blubber on their bones.”
“You say that about every boy you try not to let yourself like. Or you say they’re boring. Or that they have the personality of dry kelp.”
“I only said that last one about Prince Franco.” And it was true. Before I decided to go on the run, Father thought the best way to keep me safe from Queen Nimue was to marry me to a royal on land. That’s where Prince Franco of the Lunar Court came in. However, him being a psy vampire and able to read my every mood, every lie…it wasn’t the best arrangement for someone with as many secrets as I have. Even if I had been able to convince him to marry me, what would he have done when he learned my kiss could kill him?
No. Marriage, romance, love…none of that is for me.
Podaxis’ voice softens. “Don’t you want to stop running?”
“I only run when I’m about to get caught by the officers.”
“You know what I mean. I thought we came here to settle down and start a new life.”
I turn my fork over and over in my hands to hide how ruffled I am by his questions. My lungs are growing tighter and tighter the closer he gets to the truth. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean I need to cozy up with every boy who bats his lashes at me.”
“Maisie, your father would want you to be happy—”
Just like that, a crack forms in my carefully curated façade. Right at the center of my heart. “What do you want from me, Podaxis?” My voice breaks on his name. “To admit that I’mnothappy? That I’m downright sad? That I miss Father and my brothers?”
He shrinks down, eyes wide with apology though he says nothing.
My lower lip trembles. “Do you want me to admit that I’m lonely?”
“You don’t have to be lonely,” Podaxis whispers. “I know I’m not enough—”
“Yes, you are,” I say, wiping furiously at an errant tear.
“No, Maisie, I’m not. We may have grown up together, and we may be best friends, but you need more than just me. You needotherfriends. Maybe even love.”
“You know why I can’t fall in love. Why I shouldn’t have even let things get so far with Martin.” I close my eyes and tip my head back in frustration. It isn’t Podaxis I’m frustrated with but me. I’m the one who invited Martin to my bed. Before I ran away, I hadn’t removed my sealskin more than a handful of times, hardly left the beach I’d spent my entire life on. I was sheltered and didn’t even know it. Then I came here to Lumenas where new experiences and sensations are found on every corner. My eyes were opened to so much I hadn’t known existed. Curious things I never understood as a seal. Things like flirtation and lovemaking for pleasure, not just procreation. A couple weeks ago, I decided I wanted to know what that was like, and Martin was a willing accomplice. Honestly, I was surprised how accommodating he was with my terms of no kissing and no romantic attachments. Even though he succeeded at following the first rule, I could tell when he started breaking the second. He’s been a little too persistent ever since. I’m starting to think he doesn’t know the meaning of the wordno.
“Why can’t you fall in love? Because you can’t kiss?”
I give Podaxis a firm look. “Yes, because I can’t kiss anyone without killing them. Without snuffing out an innocent life. Again.”
He taps his pincers together, and I can tell he’s debating whether he should say more. Then he speaks, his voice barely above a whisper. “Luther was hardly innocent.”
Nausea turns my stomach at the name.
