“Dorian,” I say, feeling strange floating tears leave my eyes to dance in the particles around my head. “Come back to me.”
The violet fades, blue and tan and gold breaking through.
My voice rises to a shout. “Come back to me!”
The particles around me ripple. Then, suddenly, the realm is back to how it was minutes before. My breaths ease, my vision returns clearer. At first, I think it’s because of something I’ve done. Then I notice Nimue’s presence, her violet form hovering before me, lips pulled into a frown.
“Help him,” I say, voice pleading. “If you ever felt even the slightest love for me at all, you’d help him.”
“No, it is because I love you that I will let him die. Romantic love is a curse, Maisie, not a gift. It makes you weak. Vulnerable. Heartbreak robs you of power. I’m trying to save you from that.”
“You have no right to save me from it. It’s my choice whether I love or hate.”
“He is but your first love. Do you not think I haven’t been there myself? I’ve felt what you’ve felt. A desperate burning in my heart. Irrational desires. Blinding passion.”
“When have you ever felt anything close to what I feel?”
“With your father,” she says. Her answer surprises me. “You may have been told our love was a one-time affair, and perhaps that’s what it meant to Ronan. For me, it meant so much more. We hated each other for so long. Fought over our values, over the right way to serve the Sea Court. After the last war, Ronan and I decided to work together. For the first time, our allegiances were one and the same. We both wanted to protect the sea from humans who meant to test our new borders, and our methods complemented one another. His were proactive and mine were punishing. He warded off threats before they drew too near, while I destroyed those who dared challenge us at close quarters. We still fought, still argued, but for the first time, there was no hate in our conflict. Soon it turned to passion.”
My stomach turns a bit, and I hope she spares me further detail.
“Our alliance became what I thought was friendship, then shifted again to something more. He supported me when I presented my petition for the throne as Unseelie Queen of the Sea. We even spoke about him ruling at my side as my mate. My consort. We’d be an unstoppable force. I don’t know what I did to make him change his mind, but without telling me, he petitioned to take up the crown of Seelie Sea King. No longer content to rule as my partner, he chose to counter me instead. To live in his own palace. I was too heartbroken to challenge him. Shortly after, I discovered we’d conceived you. For the first time since he took his new throne, we met face to face. He was so cold, so cruel. I knew his love for me had either died or been nothing but a figment of my imagination all along. That’s when we made our bargain.”
Everything she’s saying contrasts what I thought I knew about her relationship with Father. I know he had his reasons to take the seelie throne. He found her to be dangerous, was convinced her power needed to be tempered by his. But could he have broken her heart? Could he have discarded plans they once shared, traded dreams of ruling together for the chance to be king in his own right? Or perhaps that’s just how Nimue saw things. Whatever the case, I understand the fleeting nature of truth. It can mean one thing to one person and another to someone else. Nimue’s issues with my father may be justified. Or not. That’s between them. It has nothing to do with me.
I stare down at the form that remains beneath my hands, the light-being pulsing within the dull purple of Dorian’s body. My gaze returns to Nimue. “Do you regret it?”
She quirks a violet brow. “Do I regret what?”
“Your time with my father. Your affair. The night you shared conceiving me.”
She’s silent a few moments before answering. “No, because it brought you into the world. You may believe me to be a terrible mother, but I do love you, Maisie. I do.”
“Then you must understand why I can’t let Dorian die. Why I’m begging you to bring him back.”
“Begging me? Does that mean you’re finally willing to bargain?”
All the sympathy I felt during her tale of heartache dries up. I glare at her, wishing my ethereal form could properly convey my rage. I want to scream at her. Shout. Hiss.
But I don’t.
I take a moment to collect my composure. “Yes, Nimue, I’m ready to bargain. But not for what you want from me. Dorian gave his life to save me from my fate. I won’t dishonor his sacrifice by going back on what I’ve already told you. I will not be owned by you. I will not be your tool. If you want to be my mother, then free me. Prove your love for me is real and not simply a means to possess me. Save Dorian’s life, release your claim on me as your subject, and I…” I swallow hard. “I’ll forgive you.”
She blinks a few times. Particles shift over her face, obscuring her expression. “If I refuse, I have everything I want.”
“No, you won’t. You may have my allegiance to your court through force, but you won’t have my love, my respect, or my forgiveness. I’ll fight you every step of the way. I’ll resist your commands until it kills me.” I look back at Dorian. “But if you do this…I promise to do my best to understand you. Not as my queen. As a person. As my mother.”
She slithers closer. “He’ll break your heart.”
“Then let him. You said love makes us weak and vulnerable, but I don’t believe it. If that’s the case for you, then it’s only because you let pain make you cold. You let heartache turn from a temporary fracture to a gaping hole. I won’t do that to myself. Not anymore.” I think of this past year, how I’ve hidden. Not just from Nimue, but from everyone. Friends. Potential lovers. I let my past eat a hole in my heart, convinced myself my darkness makes me unworthy of love. I convinced myself love could only be found in kisses. But Dorian taught me that’s not true. Podaxis and my friends taught me too. I still have a lot of work to do, a lot of people to be honest with…but I can do that now.
Nimue watches me, expression unreadable. Then her face falls. “You aren’t like me at all,” she whispers. Then she lowers down on the other side of Dorian and reaches a hand toward my face. The particles buzz between us at the touch. Her eyes take on a wistful quality. “You’re likehim. So much like him.”
I nod.
“I wish he’d loved me.”
“I’m sorry.”
