“Then maybe you should put it out,” she said, the words striking me in the chest. They were laced with self-hatred, with self-doubt and uncertainty. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and soothe whatever old hurt lingered there, and I watched as her fingers rose to the scar at her eyebrow, as if on instinct.
“How did you get that?” I asked, making her drop her hand suddenly.
“That’s none of your fucking business,” she spat, but she squinted her eyes against the light. “It gives me headaches to this day. Imelda makes me a poultice to soothe the ache. Did she go ahead with the others? Why are we not traveling together?” she asked again.
“We are not traveling together because you and I must make the customary journey of Kings through the mountains, so that we may be crowned when we arrive in Vallania. It is how we earn the right to rule from the magic of our court itself,” I said, untying Thunder’s reins from the tree. I led him to a fallen log and dropped them to the ground, knowing he would not move as I stepped onto the log and hoisted myself onto his back.
I reached down, holding out a hand for Fallon so that I could lift her up. Riding Thunder was far less than ideal—he was too tall, and Fallon would need to give me a leg up or we’d have to find something to stand on in order to mount again, but the alternative was a horse who would tire too easily carrying our combined weight.
“And Imelda will be waiting for me there?” she asked again, eyeing my hand. It became clear that she would not mount until I answered.
“Imelda is still in Tar Mesa,” I said, watching as her eyes widened. She stumbled back a single step, as if the words were a physical blow.
“I need her.”
“Why?” I asked, forcing her to close her eyes in frustration.
“I just… need her.”
I reached forward, grasping Fallon’s forearm and using it to hoist her up in front of me, even though it was a very uncomfortable way to get her mounted. “I think it is high time you learned to stand on your own without your witch to guide you. There are witches in Vallania who can make the poultice for your headaches,” I snapped, wrapping my arms around her and urging Thunder into a steady walk forward. Fallon fell silent, her body shaking with anger.
I’d known it would be the case, but it didn’t matter to me.
FIFTEENFALLON
One fucking horse.
I sighed, squirming and trying to put some distance between Etan and me. He kept one arm slung around my hip casually, using it to pull me back. I couldn’t even be too angry about it; my forward position probably put me too far from Thunder’s center of gravity and made it uncomfortable for him. I reached down and patted the horse’s withers, settling into the discomfort of Etan’s chest pressed into me. Riding bareback meant there was absolutely no barrier between us, my ass nestled into his groin so that there was very little left to the imagination as to how we might fit together if I were to ever agree to make this more than simply a political arrangement.
Given his perspective of what was required to be an equal to him, I very much doubted that would happen. He might think it acceptable to claim ownership over me, but I was not one to allow that to settle.
I was no man’s property, no man’s possession, and anyone who thought to change that simply because he felt entitled would wake up with a knife between his eyes.
“Tell me about your home,” Etan said, his voice far too casual for the awkward silence that had descended over us since we started the journey through the Summer Court. The sandy terrain was difficult for Thunder to navigate, his steps slow and cautious as we descended the path down toward the valley. The earth was dry and red, the cliffs beside us pointed and jagged. Faces and animals and plants had been carved into the terracotta stone, a history of travelers who had come before us to mark our journey.
“I don’t have a home,” I said evasively, shrugging my shoulders with the truth of the words. I might havehada home and a family before, a place to rest my head and human parents who loved me, but I knew I could never go back there. I would never be welcomed back to the rebellion who hated the Fae, to the parents who would hardly recognize what had become of me. Even if Nothrek hadn’t been filled with Mist Guard and other myriad soldiers who would have killed me on sight, I could never stand to see the disappointment in the faces of the people I loved. “Not anymore, anyway.”
I couldn’t stand the rejection I would find there, knowing that the very thing I had been born to, the thing I’d had no choice in becoming, would horrify them.
Etan sighed, his touch tightening on my waist in sympathy. “Your home is with me now, Fallon,” he said, trailing off to let that sink in. “But I meant the home where you were raised. I’d like to know everything I can so I might prepare you for what is to come. I don’t want anything to be too much of a shock, but I cannot help arm you with information without knowing much of anything about your past. Those I spoke to about you in Tar Mesa were either unwilling to share what they knew or didn’t know much of anything. Even your handmaiden didn’t seem to have much to say.”
“Is this your desperate attempt to get me to open up to you?” I asked, wishing more than anything that this conversation had occurred in a place where I had an escape. I didn’t want to sit with him and be forced to face the awkwardness of this, without a place to retreat if I bared too much of my soul and felt naked and vulnerable.
Etan chuckled, the warmth of the sound sinking inside me. I felt the rumble against my spine, the genuine humor in it, as if he found my snark entertaining. Not in a degrading way, like it was futile or useless, but like he genuinely enjoyed the path of our conversationsand the unpredictability of what I spoke at any given moment. “I have been desperate for very little in my long life, Sunfire.” He spoke the words above my head, the warmth of his breath surrounding me. It should have been impossible to feel it with the searing heat pressing down on us, especially given the sun as it beat down on my skin.
I feared I would be burned to a crisp by the time we reached Vallania, but after several hours in the sun since it had risen, I couldn’t help but find peace in the slight golden hue, in the tan that was the first I’d ever had.
“But let me guess, you’re desperate forme,right?” I asked, rolling my eyes toward the sun that I squinted at. It had cast a golden hue over the blue of the sky closest to it, a wash of pure, unfiltered light radiating in a halo around it. It was so similar to the sunkiss on my skin that I couldn’t help but draw comparisons, remembering the feeling of magic on my skin before I’d shoved it into that wall Imelda had created.
“Would that make you feel better about sharing with me? If I said I was desperate to know everything about you and where you’d come from? Or is it just your body you expect me to be desperate for?” Etan asked, lifting his hand from my hip to snag my chin. He twisted my neck slowly, forcing me to give him my profile so that I could stare at him from the side of my eye as he leaned in and drew his nose up over the side of my jaw to press his lips to my temple sweetly. “Desperation makes fools of men, and I have no intention of ever being a fool for a woman who will not so much as speak to me.”
I jerked away, my anger rising at the manipulation and games he seemed so inclined to play. His words were so at odds with the physical intimacy he showed, leaving me reeling with no hope of ever understanding exactly what he intended for me—what he wanted from this marriage. The mixed signals were the epitome of frustrating, and I wished I was capable of making the rest of our journey on foot to avoid his touch. “I’m glad we’ve established that,” I hissed.
“You misunderstand me, Sunfire. I have no intention of being a fool for a woman who keeps me at a distance, but I would be desperate for the woman who was just as desperate for me,” he said, and I couldn’t help the way my head snapped back to stare at him with a furrowed brow.
“And you expect me to believe that’s me? That I’m the one who brings you to your knees with all your claims of ownership,” I argued, but the steel had left my voice. My breath felt uneven, altered by the intensity of his stare on my profile.
“You hear what you want to hear, Fallon,” he said, shrugging as if disappointed in me. “Instead of focusing on the fact that I said I believe you’re capable of earning my respect as an equal worthy of ruling an entire kingdom at my side, you’ve chosen to focus on my not knowing you well enough to trust you with that responsibility right this very moment. We barely know one another, Fallon. I am merely trying to bridge that gap for both our sakes.”
