The horses were waiting for us as I stepped out the doors, along with the few members of my court who had come to the Tithe with us. Terence stood between two horses, holding the reins loosely clasped as he waited. His eyes widened as he took in the sight of memaking my way toward him, clearly not expecting Fallon to be fast asleep. “Is she alright?” he asked, staring down at the woman who would soon be his queen. His opinions of her, as her mother’s daughter, were irrelevant next to the duty that was his for the rest of his life now. To serve was the most important aspect of our lives, loyalty to those who controlled the court and kept us out of chaos, no matter what hatred stirred in his heart for the woman he didn’t know. It was unfortunate that not all among the Summer Court would put duty before all else in the way Terence would, and I knew better than most that Fallon would have an uphill battle in earning the approval of my people.
Ofherpeople, by blood—no matter how they wanted to ignore that fact.
“Just sleeping. I wanted to leave without a fight,” I said, giving him a look that communicated just what Fallon would have thought of my plan to escape with her without allowing her to say her goodbyes.
He nodded, pursing his lips as he looped the reins over his arm, letting them settle into the crook of his forearm. The horses had been trained well enough that they wouldn’t budge anyway, but the last thing we needed was a discomfited horse racing off when I tried to settle Fallon at the front of the bareback pad. We’d have to travel the beginning of our journey without a saddle in order for us to both be able to ride comfortably, and it was only through luck that I’d brought my gelding, who was far more likely to tolerate the extra weight because he was large enough to do so. Thunder was the color of night, his mane and tail a streak of white against the ebony color of his crest. The draft horse had been used to pull carts when he was younger, his size and stocky build making him the perfect horse for heavy lifting.
I might have brought my stallion under different circumstances, if it had not been for the knowledge that the horses would be largely cooped up in the stables during our stay. He’d never fared well when confined.
“I can hand her up to you,” Terence said, holding out his hands as if I should give Fallon over to him. I eyed him warily, glancing at the horse beside me and knowing there was no way I could mount with her in my arms. Without a saddle, I didn’t stand a chance without a leg up.
“Give me a leg up,” I said to him, glancing toward one of the women in our company. “Marceline, could you hold her for a moment?” I asked, dreading the knowing smirk that crossed her features. Marceline was one of the few people I trusted fairly implicitly,a friend of mine and Rheaghan’s from childhood. We’d all grown up together, though she hadn’t been raised by Rheaghan’s mother in the same way I had been; she’d come into our lives after Mab had been cursed and never got to know her before. Her father had served in the Summer Court forces, rising to a rank that meant he was in near-constant communication with the Primordial Queen herself, until she disappeared overnight.
I’d never hear the end of it.
She handed the reins for her own horse to one of the other women in our party, regardless of what she might have seen in my hesitance to allow Terence to touch Fallon. I hoisted Fallon into Marceline’s arms, allowing the Fae woman to support my bride’s weight as I hurriedly stepped into the cupped hands Terence held out as he knelt, bouncing my weight up three times. On the third, he lifted me higher and I swung my other leg over Thunder’s rear, settling in at the back of the bareback pad and patting Thunder’s neck gently.
Marceline adjusted Fallon in her grip, lifting her with strength that most Fae women did not possess by nature, but Marceline was more determined than many to be at home with the soldiers. She worked out and trained with us when she could simply thrive in politics because of her father’s rank, with little regard for the fact that others would claim she should be weaker, that she shouldn’t show up the men who thought they needed to prove themselves.
I reached down to grab Fallon under the arms, hauling her limp form up onto Thunder’s back. The horse adjusted his position, shifting his weight from one leg to the other as I settled her in front of me. I tipped her back toward me, leaning her weight into my chest as Terence swung the reins over Thunder’s head and I picked them up, bunching them into one hand so I could keep my other arm wrapped around Fallon’s waist to prevent her from falling. Her head lolled to the side, her cheek pressed into my chest feeling like it fit there, nestled into the crook of my shoulder as if it had been carved specifically for her.
If I’d been a better man, I might have paused to allow that sliver of guilt I felt to permeate me, to change my course of action. I might have hesitated to take away her will and manipulate her unconscious body to get her safely out of Tar Mesa without causing a scene neither of us could afford.
As it stood, I was self-aware enough to know I only felt hints of certain feelings others possessed in multitudes. It wasn’t so much that I lacked a conscience; I lacked the ability to prioritize where itguided me. I had spent so much of my time justifying my actions to myself, and all the harm I’d caused in my appearance of an alliance with Mab, that I’d lost the ability to feel true guilt over them. The ends justified the means, because it was the only way I could keep believing that what I was doing was right, and that role I’d played had been my entire life’s purpose for so long that Ineededit to be what was right.
My sense of right and wrong had all but disappeared in my centuries at Mab’s service and without ever finding my mate. It felt as if she might have been my moral compass, distant and impossible to reach. It seemed unfathomable that in my centuries of life, she had yet to come into existence, because such a timeline without the appearance of one’s mate was unheard of. To go so long was to welcome the madness that came from a soul being split for too long, but I’d never felt even a twinge of my mate’s soul.
When others had felt their mates on the other side of the Veil, I’d felt nothing but emptiness. There was no completion to be found for me, and maybe that was why I didn’t care that what I was doing with Fallon was objectively wrong.
Fate had deprived me of the mate I was promised. It seemed only fair I’d steal a wife for myself instead.
She wouldn’t have a choice but to forgive it, given enough time with me. We all blustered and claimed we could hold a grudge, but only the worst offenses were worth centuries of anger. While we all held our grudges against Mab for obvious reasons, few other conflicts were capable of withstanding the test of time. A few months, a year or maybe a few, that was a blink of an eye compared to what we would have together.
I adjusted my seat, lightly squeezing my calves against Thunder’s side and making a quiet clicking sound. Terence and Marceline mounted quickly, joining the band of seven others who needed to return to Vallania. We would go our separate ways soon enough, Fallon and I destined to make the journey to the capital once we reached the fringes of the Summer Court. We needed to put some distance between us and Tar Mesa if we wanted to escape before the Lunar Witch, Imelda, realized we were stealing away with her charge. As soon as we had enough distance between us, we would venture off on our own for the sole purpose of following Summer Court traditions.
The others would ride ahead to alert the Summer Court of Rheaghan’s death and the upcoming wedding, giving them a head start in the preparations that would be needed. A wedding and a funeralrite so close together was wrong on so many levels, but there was no way around it under the circumstances. We would have barely a breath between mourning Rheaghan and all that he’d done to keep our people safe, and celebrating the marriage that would guide us into the future.
“You’ll take her on the Bridal Walk?” Marceline asked, guiding her horse up beside mine. Thunder tolerated very few getting too close to him, but he had an adoring relationship with her much smaller mare, Lady, that almost made me feel bad he was gelded and couldn’t act on that love.
“Yes,” I said, nodding as I met her eyes.
The smirk from earlier returned to her face, and I turned my gaze straight forward to avoid the questions I knew were coming. “Never pictured you as the marrying kind, Etan,” she said, choosing instead to poke at the situation and prod for weak spots.
“Neither did I, but Mab hardly asked for my opinion,” I said, all too aware of the listening ears nearby. Marceline pressed her mouth into a line, suppressing a laugh and biting back the words that would likely call me out on my half-truth. It wasn’t alieby any means—Mab hadn’t asked me for my opinion.
She hadn’t needed to.
“I’m sure she didn’task,” Marceline whispered, steering Lady closer so that the words could remain between us. Our feet nearly touched, toes pointed to the sky to keep our seats as we guided our horses over the salt dunes. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was close enough to hear, but she’d timed her question well and the others were distracted by lively conversation, the joy of being out of Mab’s palace tangible. “But I’m sure you could have dissuaded her if you wanted. You have more control over her than anyone.”
I did.
I did and that made me feel horrible for all the things I couldn’t control. Like I should have been trying harder to protect everyone, and not only the people of my court. But to do so would compromise my position, would put her trust at risk when I needed it to keep us all safe.
The ends justified the means, even if that meant I was sacrificing the people of the other courts to her ways to save mine.
Fallon stirred lightly, nuzzling into my chest as if she took as much comfort in my embrace as I did hers. Marceline didn’t miss the motion, her gaze narrowing in on Fallon’s stunning face. “You’reso fucked,” she said, laughing as she pulled Lady away and guided her back to the others to avoid attracting unwanted attention from some of the members of our traveling party who were slightly less trustworthy with sensitive information.
When we’d passed the salt dunes, I opened a palm and slid my blade across it, offering my blood to the shadows to combat the light we would bring into the court. Light and dark were out of balance in this place, and the shadows craved that light more than even we did. It took something from us to do so, but I called to the light around us, drawing it off the moon and the reflection of it against the sand and salt surrounding us. The sunwalk opened up, a tunnel of blinding brilliance as I guided Thunder through the opening.
