Jordan sent a hand through her hair. “I take it she didn’t warm up to the idea?”
Astrid shrugged, her eyes still glazed on the backyard. “She didn’t care. That’s what she said. ‘I don’t care who you spend your time with, Astrid.’ Those were her exact words.”
This time Jordan took a gulp of wine. As far as coming-out-to-your-parents experiences went, it wasn’t horrible. Hell, she’d heard horror stories from her queer community in Savannah, particularly among the Gen Xers, people whose parents kicked them out, sent them to conversion camps. She knew that still happened and hit kids of color and trans kids a lot harder than anyone else.
Still, when a parent reacted withI don’t careto a pretty huge life confession, it wasn’t great.
“Shit” was all Jordan could think to say.
Astrid nodded. “She did care, however, about my reputation.”
“As in, what will people think of you dating a woman?”
“As in...” She trailed off, her gaze going inward. Jordan suddenly felt Astrid was miles away.
“Hey,” Jordan said, pressing her shoulder into Astrid’s. “Dating someone you like isn’t going to ruin your career. It’s—”
“She’s not talking about my dating choice,” Astrid said, pushing off from the railing and starting a slow pace around the deck. She held her wine, but she seemed to have forgotten the glass was in her hands, pale yellow liquid sloshing around as she moved. “She’s talking about me. Who I am. And maybe she’s right. I mean...” She waved her hand at herself. “Look at me. I’m... I’m a mess. I’m not focused on work, my designs areuninspired, the inn is my only project right now because I don’t care enough. It’s all falling apart, and maybe it has been for a long time, but I thought I could... I thought I could save it with the inn. But lately, I’m just... I’m—”
“Happy,” Jordan said, and Astrid froze. “That’s what you’ve been lately. Don’t you see that?”
Astrid shook her head. “You don’t get it. You don’t—”
“What? Have a job?” Jordan felt her temper swelling. She tried to stay calm, but she was witnessing the woman who watched porn videos just to make sure Jordan had a good time disintegrate right in front of her eyes. “Have a bitchy mother to please?”
“That’s not fair.”
“Oh, it’s not? But it’s fair to declare that spending time with me, partnering with me, doing things you clearly fucking love”—she flung her arm behind her, toward all the desserts currently swallowing the kitchen—“is a mistake. Just because yourmotherdoesn’t like it?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“See, I think you did. I think you are so fucking lost, you don’t know who you are or what you want. And you’re letting your mom call the shots like a coward.”
All Jordan could hear was her own blood rushing in her ears. Regret tightened in her chest, but she couldn’t take it back. She wasn’t even sure she would. These last few days with Astrid had been a revelation. Seeing Astrid come alive only pointed out how miserable the woman had been before with almost everything in her life. Work, family. Her friends were the only thing that ever pulled a genuine smile from Astrid’s mouth, the only thing that revealed Astrid’s big heart and caring spirit. She hid all that away in literally every other aspect in her life, and for what? For a mother who didn’t even seem tolikeAstrid very much. Jordan hated it. She hated watching it happen.
Jordan didn’t want to lose this Astrid.
But already, the Astrid before her was different. Tighter. More reserved. A dispassionate woman in an ivory pencil dress. She stood still as stone, fingertips white on her wineglass.
“Fuck you,” Astrid finally said so quietly, Jordan almost didn’t hear her. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You had two parents growing up. You have a grandmother who adores you. You have a twin brother who would die for you. I know you had your own share of family struggles, Jordan, but you had multiple people to help you through them. I had my mother. That’s it. Me and her, from the time I was three years old to now.”
When she spoke, she did so with clenched teeth, her jaw so tight it looked ready to snap, sparks glinting in her brown eyes. Jordan could only stare, like she was watching a phoenix light itself on fire.
“My mother lost two husbands in seven years,” Astrid said. “I lost two fathers. I watched her dissolve into grief, terrified she’d disappear too and leave Delilah and me alone. Then Delilah was toofucking sad to be a sister to me, so yeah, I was a little dependent on my mother. And she worked hard to make sure I became who I was supposed to be. She made sure I wasgreat. Because when you’re great, when you’re a success, no one can take that from you. That doesn’t die. Your name, your reputation, that doesn’t leave you, as long as you’re careful. You can control it. You can mold it into the exact companion you need it to be. It will never, ever disappoint you. It will never let you down.”
Tears poured down her cheeks, though Jordan didn’t think Astrid even knew she was crying.
“So fuck your lost theory, Jordan. I’m only lost if I fail. I’m only lost if everything I’ve worked for goes up in flames, because my mother’s right. It’s mylife. Who the hell am I without it? Without her? If my ownmotherdoesn’t think I can succeed, that I can be someone important, then who...”
“Astrid,” Jordan said softly. She wanted to say other names too.Babyandsweetheart, but Astrid backed up when Jordan tried to come closer, her hand up in warning.
“Without a mother who believes in me, who am I? Who is anyone without that one, most basic thing, Jordan? What the hell is the point of all of this?” Her breathing came out ragged, growing rougher and more stuttering by the second. Her eyes were wide, like a terrified kid’s. “Who... who... am I? Who am I, Jordan? Who...”
Jordan saw the panic spill over. Astrid inhaled a painful-sounding breath, as though a fist were trying to punch all the air out of her body at the same time.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jordan said, hurrying toward her to grab her wineglass and set it on the patio table. Then she took the trembling, gasping woman into her arms, hoping Astrid would go willingly.
She did, falling against Jordan like a rag doll, choked sobs wedging themselves through her constricted throat, her hands covering her face. Jordan held her, rubbing circles on her back.
