“And you know how I hate those,” Astrid said, smiling without humor.
“Sweetie,” Claire said softly, but Astrid shook her head and pressed onward.
“When I found out about you and her, I just... I freaked out because, honestly, I thought,Why her? Why Claire and not me?”
“I think it should be clarified here that Astrid isnottalking about you shagging her sister,” Iris said, tipping her wineglass at them.
“Jesus, Iris,” Astrid said.
“What? It needed to be stated.”
Astrid focused on Claire, squeezing her hand. “I just mean that you clearly had something with her. She meant something to you, and you meant something to her, I could tell. And I... I didn’t understand whyIcould never mean something to her. Not romantically, of course, but just... as something.As anything. We’d been through a lot together, had lost parents together, and I wanted to share that with her. I’d always wanted to share that with her, because she was the only one Icouldshare it with, and when she constantly shut me down, it just felt...”
“Horrible,” Claire finished for her.
Astrid nodded. “But I don’t think it’s entirely Delilah’s fault. There was a lot about her experience I didn’t understand either. Things I didn’t want to see or try to understand. And when she pushed me away, I responded in kind, and then we just sort of fed off each other like that.”
Claire nodded, her throat suddenly tight. “I’m still sorry that I hurt you.”
Astrid released a breath and smiled at her. “Thank you.”
“What about Spencer?” Claire asked.
Astrid closed her eyes for a second. “Yeah. Spencer. I think he was just an easy way out for me.”
“He was a shit boot,” Iris said.
“Not helping,” Claire said, but Astrid laughed.
“No, Iris is right. He was a total shit boot.”
“And a shit belt, a shit sock, a shit shirt, a shit—”
“Yes, we get it, Ris,” Claire said, then turned back to Astrid. “I wish you would’ve let us in about him.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking a lot about that too. He made my life look how I was taught it should look. It was easy to just give in to him, knowing it made everyone else around me happy.”
“Not everyone,” Iris said.
“I know,” Astrid said. “But he was everything my mother always told me I wanted, so when he came along, Imademyself want him, because what the hell did I really want if it wasn’t him? In the back of my mind, I knew he wouldn’t make me happy, and I knew you two knew that from the beginning, which was why I never talked about him, hardly ever brought him around. I didn’t want to hear it, that he was wrong, thatIwas wrong.”
“I’m sorry we held back too,” Claire said. “We should’ve just talked to you honestly from the beginning.”
“I didn’t make it easy,” Astrid said.
“No, you sure as hell didn’t,” Iris said.
Astrid rolled her eyes. “Ris, you and I already had this conversation, so can you shut your piehole?”
“Fine, fine,” Iris said, “but really, I just spoke up to hear Astrid Parker saypiehole.”
The three women all laughed, and then Astrid pulled Claire into her arms. They sat like that for a long time, Claire reveling in the familiarity of her best friend’s embrace, her chin resting on Astrid’s bony shoulder.
“Whew, okay, now that that’s over with,” Iris said, clapping once when the other two women pulled away, “what are we going to do about your little problem?”
She was looking at Claire as she spoke, and Claire felt herself deflate.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Ruby is devastated, and Josh is—”
