I swallowed the threatening tears and looked at the stars, fixing on the Arbor constellation. “You know what, I’m not in the mood for ice cream. But you should go back down.”
In my peripheral vision, I could see confusion on Ethan’s face. God, did Ethan Barbanel ever not broadcast exactly what he was feeling? How nice, to go through life in a world where you could be open about everything.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Did I say something?”
“No.”
“You’re upset.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you were laughing a minute ago—”
“Can you justgo?” I bit out.
He drew back, startled. “Why are you sopricklyall the time?”
“Why do you think?” I raked my hair out of my face, fingers digging into my scalp as though they could alleviate the pressure inside my head. “You havetwoparents. Why do you get mine as well?”
It almost hurt, the way his face softened. “I’m not trying to steal your dad.”
“Well, you did, okay? You did, and now you have him, and I don’t.” Completely without my permission, tears slipped out. I closed my eyes, humiliated, keeping my face tipped to the stars as though that would keep the tears inside. It didn’t.
I might have sat there crying silently forever if Ethan hadn’t shifted next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. Part of me thought I should shove him away, but a stronger part craved the contact, and I melted into him as he ran his hand in comforting strokes up and down my arm. He produced a crumpled Dunkin’ napkin from his pocket. “Here.”
“Thanks.” I wiped my eyes and blew my nose with a long, honking noise I would’ve been embarrassed of at any other time. Then I leaned my head against his shoulder, drained. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”
“It’s okay.” His hand continued to stroke my skin. “I didn’t realize there was so much…emotion involved. I thought you were in a mood because you weren’t back home with your friends. I didn’t realize it was because…of me. And your dad.”
I tried for a huff of laughter. “Usually I keep it tamped down better.”
“You shouldn’t need to.”
“Really?” I lifted my head and gave him a wry look. “You think it’s okay for me to yell at someone because I’m jealous he has my dad’s attention?”
“More like, tell your dad how you feel.”
Tell him…what? Tell Dad I felt awful because he spent more time with Ethan than me? Then I’d probably cry, and Dad would feel horrible and think he was a bad parent, which I never wanted him to think. I was the bad one, not him. “One hundred percent definitely not. Please. We don’t talk about feelings.”
“My mistake.”
I leaned back and stared at the sky, at the diamond-bright stars, at the nothingness. “Usually I find better ways to cope when I’m, I don’t know, feeling chaotic.”
“Like what?”
I shrugged wryly. “Like hooking up with strangers to make me feel better.”
His eyes snapped to mine.
And I remembered how it had felt. How his lips had sealed so perfectly against mine, how he’d tugged me close and his warmth had spread into mine. I could tell, too, how easy it would be to kiss him right now. I wanted to, more than I’d wanted anything in a long time.
But I had some pride left, and you don’t throw yourself at someone right after you’ve been sobbing on their shoulder. “Maybe we should make some ice cream sundaes.”
He nodded and stood. “Will you do me a favor?”
“Depends on the favor.”
“I’m not trying to take care of you or anything, I swear. But if you go on any more morning swims, will you knock on my door and invite me along?”
