I believed it was a miracle to like a person who liked you back, in the same place, at the same time.
Last night, I’d watch eight nights’ worth of candles flicker and burn, a celebration of god or oil or light. We all wanted to push away the dark, metaphorical or real, and if you could, shouldn’tyou? Sarah Barbanel might not have been happy. Grandma might not always be happy. But if I could find happiness, shouldn’t I grab it with both hands and hold on?
Being around Tyler made me happy. I didn’t know what would happen if I went to him, if I told him I wanted him. But I was tired of not speaking up because I was afraid of being laughed at; I was sad I’d stopped doing things I loved just because I wasn’t perfect at them. If Tyler rejected me, I’d be upset, but I’d move on. I would have tried. I’d regret it if I didn’t tell him how I felt.
I kept walking past Golden Doors until I reached the next turn. I walked down the drive to Tyler’s house. The treetops rustled in the breeze, which snaked its fingers down my nape and billowed up through the bottom of my jacket. The sun had dropped during my walk, and now that my pace had lessened, the temperature felt stark and bitter.
Walking around the side of the house, I paused below the window I thought belonged to Tyler and pulled out my phone.
Me:
Clack clack
Clack
This is the sound of a rock being thrown against your window
I am not ACTUALLY going to throw a rock because 1) weird and 2) what if I break the glass
Tyler’s window flew open, and his head popped into sight. “Shira?” he called down. “What are you doing here?”
“Surprise!” I shouted back.
“Wait right there,” he said, and vanished, as though I’d come here just to go away. I shivered as I waited, but he was quick, not even putting on a coat or shoes before coming outside.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I said. “I just... wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay,” he said warily.
“First off. Isaac and I didn’t pan out.”
His eyes widened, and he took a step forward. “What? Are you okay?”
“Totally! It’s a good thing.”
His mouth parted slightly, and he looked confused, then pressed on. “What happened?”
“We weren’t a good fit. I mean, he didn’t want to date me, but it turned out... I don’t want to date him, either.”
“Oh.” He shoved his hands in his pocket. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said forcefully. “I’m glad.”
His eyes were disconcertingly bright. “Why are you telling me?”
Energy fizzed in my belly, a deep fear of putting my feelingsinto words. I looked everywhere but at him—his house, the snow, the sky, Orion shining bright. “I thought maybe we could talk about what this means for us.”
His gaze, on the other hand, remained centered on me. “Why would it mean anything? You got your flirting tips. Your uncle said I could send him my résumé. Nothing’s left.”
My stomach felt hollow.Nothing’s left.Right, of course. We’d only ever been a bargain.
Except.
Welikedeach other. Being around him made me happy. “Maybe we could have... a new bargain.”
“No,” he said abruptly, so hard I took a sharp breath. “If you want something, Shira, you have to ask for it. I’m not striking any more deals.”
