He’d turned sallow. I’d never appreciated the descriptor until now, the way his skin gained a greenish tint in the moonlight. “Do you think she’ll tell anyone?”
Did I think she’dtellanyone? What kind of a question was that? “Noah, I assume.”
“Oh.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah.”
I frowned at him, then directed the frown toward the sea. It shouldn’t bother me, how appalled he looked at the idea of other people knowing about us. Maybe he was deeply private. Or hated PDA. And, sure, maybe it made sense to keep us a secret, especially since we hadn’t even discussed what “us” meant. We should keep everything under wraps until we figured out what we were doing.
But for whatever reason, it bothered me, the instant scooch away.
Worse, it bothered me how it only bothered my pride, not my heart.
Because this wasIsaac. Isaac, who I had a crush on, who I wanted to date. But when he’d pulled away from me, my reaction was only slight irritation.
I should be wounded. I should want Isaac to shout about us from the rooftops.Iwanted to shout about us from the rooftops.
Except.
Except I didn’t, did I?
“We should head back to the party,” I said, trying to keep my voice level, trying to keep my roiling emotions under control.
“Cool.”
We retraced our steps through the garden and approached the house across the lawn. The French doors framed the glowing warmth of the party, the laughing people, the menorahs, the cocktails, the fancy dresses. I didn’t want to be in there right now, didn’t want to have to smile and play along. Tyler would. Tyler could plaster on his politician’s face and make people feel good, but I wanted to process, to think. “Actually, I think I’m going to stay out here a bit longer.”
“Oh. Okay, cool. Good night.”
I waited for the door to open and close behind him, letting out a burst of warmth and laughter. Then I groaned, leaning my head back toward the spinning stars above me. I breathed in the black night, the cold salty air, the hushed rustle of the trees.
I should have been more upset about Isaac, and I wasn’t. I should have been less upset over fighting with Tyler.
It was obvious, wasn’t it, or it should have been obvious, if I hadn’t been so damn determined not to see it: I wasn’t upset over Isaac because he wasn’t the person I wanted. Isaac had been nice, a dream—someone with potential, and it hurt to see potential vanish.
Tyler...
Of course I hadn’t wanted to admit it. How could I? I’d made a stupid mistake, fancying myself in love with Tyler Nelson three years ago. I liked to think I wasn’t the kind of person who made the same mistake twice; I was the kind of person who learned from them. Fool me once, after all...
I texted Olivia:Sorry I disappeared. Are you still here?
GOOD you disappeared!!She texted back.At least I hope so I headed home but coffee tomorrow?
Me:
Yes please.
I reentered Golden Doors through a side door, climbing a narrow, little-used staircase and winding my way to my room, ignoring the sounds of the party below. I threw myself on my bed, feeling a particular kind of morose, all dressed up and nowhere to go, sad and lonely and mad. I felt outside myself, looking inward like I was a character in a movie, and maybe not a very sympathetic one. Poor little rich girl.
I rolled over and stared at the ceiling.
God, I liked him. Two sides of the same coin, they said about love and hate, and sure enough, I’d plastered up the first emotion with the second. Now it’d been scraped away, like a paper label dissolving off a glass bottle. Tyler wasn’t exactly the person I’d fallen for the first time, but he certainly wasn’t the heartless playboy I’d imagined after. He was kind to my cousins and interested in how people ticked, smarter than I’d given him credit for, funnier than I’d realized, and he’d opened up to me in a way I thought he rarely did for anyone else.
I liked him so much, and I wanted him to like me, too.
Hedidlike me, too. That was almost the worst of it. I hadn’t imagined the way we teased each other, the flare of attraction, the electricity between us.Too bad we want such different things, he had said when we fell off the sled at the bottom of Dead Horse Hill, and he was right. We didn’t want the same things, so the best thing to do was to say,Too bad, how unfortunate, and move on.
I rolled over on my side. This was fine. I had gotten over Tyler Nelson before; I could do it again.
A tear slid out of my eye, hot and stupid, streaking down my cheek to the pillow, followed by another and another. At first, I wiped them away, then gave up, feeling my lashes turn spiky. My chest heaved uncontrollably.
